When I close my eyes

[When i close my eyes it's her I see,
Her & me walking on my eyeballs,
I can see her so clearly with my eyes closed,
How is it possible seing myself in my eyeballs]

She's the girl of my dreams,
But this time she's real,
So is all that I feel,
But I have no idea what she'll make of it
What she thinks, if she feels me

Everytime I see ua face,
in my dreams & imagination,
All I wanna do is make u mine,
So I'm asking would u mind
..being mine, could you give me a little while,
So I can show you what I'm like
Please lets share this time
Today for a little while then we'll decide, if we can get by

I'm looking for somebody I can talk to,
Girl I'm looking for somebody I can share my life with
I'm looking for somebody I can live with,
Somebody I who will share all with me,
Not that I need it, just that that's how secure she'll be..
 

Now I know her name!

Found this some weeks back, I wrote it way back in high school.. it literally took me back in time!

"I stood there really tense, thinking of her,
I was decided this time so I stretched out my arm..
My heart beat fast, it beat really fast..
Then as she turned, it just froze up.. I didn't like that!
I don't know how but I asked her what her name was,
..she looked at me smiled & said something,
I couldn't hear her well but she'd definitely said something..
So I leaned closer to hear what she'd said..
She whispered to my ear, yes she said something,

..I almost melt down at the sound of her voice, her really pretty voice, her angels voice..
I smiled back, she blushed away.. no idea if I scored but now I know her name:)"    

Still won't write off..

So many desires, so much passion,
Limited by circumstances, still won't write off,
Am I naive, can't I see how impossible everything seems!?
Maybe I am coz I choose to see what I want to see.. I choose to believe
..to me it's real, all I can see can be real,
All of my day dreamz, the craziest ideas I can make them live..

Am I not the the likeness of the ultimate Creator,
Was I not made in his image, commanded to continue his amazing works!?

 

The one that got away:(

I met her, got to know her & fell in love with her,
Her style, her beauty, the way she thought ..her whole being,
I was convinced it was her, the girl I'd been looking for,
The mother of our kids, the woman of my dreamz

Yeah she was real, me & her were the real deal,
Everyone saw it, we experienced it, we felt it,
Me & her made an awesome team, real chemistry 

That's why its really had to believe she's the one that got away, 
The one i made prayers for a future with,
The one who would have made it hard to breath,
..without her in the picture i had of my future,
All the plans i had mad with her, would be shuttered without her!

But I still let her leave, i couldn't stand the pain now & didn't want to imagine the same later when everything would have been much greater,
Did she really hurt me or did I do that myself?
..in my head she hurt me & I pulled back, that's where I hurt myself,

Now I have no idea how she's doing & in my head she's still the perfect one for me..
Well maybe I'm overthinking, I doubt that but I still shouldn't be waiting?!?
..for a girl whose living her life like nothing is different,
a girl who may not be affected at all with my existence or non existence?!?
Regardless I still can't stop thinking about her,
Her well being at the minimum
..sometimes I think about all we could have been.
..but I need to put an end to this, an end to this love & desire in my heart,
..to be with this girl, to have her as part of my life?!    
 

Amazing chance..

Given that you're so much like me,
I can't help but think you understand me like this,
Seing the expressions on your face wish you could see me now,
I know I make such faces, more unconscious when I'm cought in such instances, like when someone is embarrassing themselves ';-! 
When you don't have the words to say, what would give a certain sound,
Priceless face to me, if my eyes were a camera I'd take so many shots,
All perfect to me, they are ..now they're precious thoughts.
Remember that day when we met your friend, then as he said hi he forgot to see me,
There came that face, no words from your mouth but you were apologizing for him,
I could tell by your face ..it expressed everything:)

So I'm really trying but my weaknesses are making it hard for me,
I thank God I know you, what I know tells me u're understanding,
Really hope I won't mess up, I'll find a way to get to you,
I really hope I won't fail, if I do I pray u'll understand me,
Please Lord help me know how to get to her, help me get to know her,
I like her too much I'm scared I may try so hard to impress her..
Why I'm scared is coz in doing that I may loose the little I have with her,
In doing that I may turn to someone else & loose the chance to get to know this girl that I really really treasure..     

Agony of unknown

"Job  23:13 But he is in one mind, and who can turn him?
and what his soul desireth, even that he doeth. 
23:14 For he performeth the thing that is appointed for me:
and many such things are with him. 
23:15 Therefore am I troubled at his presence:
when I consider, I am afraid of him.
23:16 For God maketh my heart soft, and the Almighty troubleth me:
23:17 Because I was not cut off before the darkness,
neither hath he covered the darkness from my face."

..I can't compare myself to him, can I? No its not good to compare anyways but sometimes I feel exactly what he must have when he expressed himself that way.
Without any control even over his own life, I've always known that maybe that's why I find it had to understand His need to insist on showing me ..well, maybe it's usually just a reminder. I thank God I know his story so it's clear it's not Him causing all this, but why is he allowing it.. again I thank God for the answer to that is also very clear to me:) yet although comforted that same question still lingers in my mind.
Wouldn't there be a better way, easier for me atleast to learn the lesson expected of me ..but again maybe this is it, I got the best deal & don't know about it only because I haven't seen everything on the table.
Thank you Lord for your mercies & grace, (I thought this would sound sarcastic?! ..just wanted to make it clear it isn't, just in case!)
I am really greatfull because despite all I believe my God is always good, don't get ideas.. We both know that's the only way you could get me (if you don't, I must have really over estimated you but I doubt that!) but I doubt that could ever happen, (I have to say though I'm always intrigued by your determination how you keep trying ..I admire that;!) my God will always be good ..I really doubt anything could ever lead me to believe otherwise!
     

Uhm..

So there's this girl, who I actually know & love..
trust me this is not a crush nor is it love at 1st glance!
It was never love at 1st site coz when I met her I never thought we would ever be this tight,
I've grown to love her.. as I've known her, as I've been with her,
She's really influenced me as I've influenced her,
She's met my friends, I've met her friends.. my friends are hers!
I'm not closing my eyes to that, its just that I've probably not had a chance!
..I've met them it's just that I expected more coz she's super awesome its had to believe there are not (more#)
I've met her family, I felt so proud when she invited me over everyone else

..but for more reason I still wanna feel that I'm more
I wanna be sure I'm the one she adores
..maybe then when I see her with the rest I won't have a reason to feel sour
I'll be content coz I'll know we have more..
   

Expression..

Seeking desperately an engaging conversation,
Someone to talk to, something to relate with,
Its like I was made for this, I love listening to people express themselves,
Seing, listening &, or reading the unseived, unfiltered expressions ..feeling the emotions!
It always feels like a deep breath ..like fresh air!
Seing humanity at its purest, people who seem as hard as rocks crying, those who seem overly happy, the contented ..everyone unmasked!
That to me is beauty, purity..
What I crave for, knowing what's going through our different minds, not for anything else but to appreciate our differences, our creators awesomeness..
How there are similarities in our differences ..the differences in our similarities     

Sunshine Rain

I'm so sad, for her & for me
For al the things we could be,
But now can't, I'm not sure whether to hope we could actually be,
..but meeting you is still awesome, Even with all that it'll bring

Just a day, more of hours
That's the time I've spent &
Already wanna be yours,
Rather want you to be mine,
To know you more, than I wanna know wine
to spend time with you &
that's where it gets sort of sad

I don't know you, have no idea if there's already someone in your life,
The little I know makes it had to believe you would lack someone who would be ready to die,

For you,
Are awesome, the sweetest girl ..I knew that the 1st time you waved at me, really liked that
Are friendly, you befriended me ..spoke to me like you'd known me all along.
Are caring, you listened to me ..probably more than I listened back, hope next time I'll give you that.
Finally loved your beautiful eyes ..couldn't stop staring, loved the look in your eye as you looked back
..I could go on & on but lemmi 1st know you more so I can speak on facts   

So I'm sad for her coz I saw her post
& sad for me coz I'm not sure I could draw any close,
To her coz now I know she has someone in her heart, someone she loves the most,
Its gonna be really had to pull back, I think I must..

Un - usual

So finally fate brought me to meet her again,
its funny how this time things were different, I was tense

I walked into my usual lunch place,
Made my order, my usual one they didn't have to check,
Unfortunately I don't have a usual spot, mainly coz the place is usually packed!
It was lunch time but I didn't know her usual time,
Whether this was her usual place or we just met coz she decided to do an unusual thing
..I still couldn't stop my mind from thinking that an unusual would happen & after all this time I'd meet her again!

..leo there seemed to be alot of potential coz as I walked in I saw some of her mates..
..I just did my thing, ate my lunch.
Then I couldn't believe who just walked by, fate?!
Kept my eyes on my plate had no idea how to react to that, so I actually wanted her to order take away, I needed all that tension taken away

..I kept cool, my eyes on my phone, right hand on the spoon
..her friend brings her food & sits on a table right across me
then she shows up & sits right opposite me..
& now there's no way she couldn't see me..
If I raised my eyes & looked across, around 2 o'clock I'd be looking right into her face,
I wanted to see her again I was sure face to face, so it didn't make sense that now I didn't even have the courage to look at her face..
I definitely couldn't move place but I didn't know what I'd say to her, had no idea how I would have reacted..
Thought I was over her, I was never even with her ..ok, so I was definitely into her!
Won't even try to deny that..
But she was a whole table across,
I wanted to say hi, but unless I could pose..
..time, turn her head to me then just happened to look up as she seemed to stair at me, I would have had to wave continuously till she noticed me waving at her (without looking weird?@3%&), I was already feeling weird so the later option was a jamais .. plus there was no way to know she wasn't playing my cards, ensuring she's never cought looking up to her 2 o'clock (..if she was I would have waved till all but she noticed!)     

That's how leo was..

I finally managed to say hi to her, & yes she said hi back
..after that I continued with my food, yeah just like that,
..as she left she stoped close by, said hi.. we had a little chat,
Then she had to rush, that was that!

When will I see her again, I'm not sure ..don't know if to hope soon!*&%$#