Leo is a Swahili word meaning today, it's also the fifth astrological sign of the Zodiac originating from the constellation of Leo but in this blogs context it represents my days, my today everyday! ..this blog is therefore a sort of journal of my daily experiences, my perspective. Occasionally I'll post something that I had written earlier.
Sunday, 17 June 2018
Human vs Aliens 1
Sunday, 21 May 2017
Lovers or just best friends :/
What's the difference between a lover and very good friends/best friends if they happen to be of different sexes ..well, apart from the sex? I remember once asking the same question and that's when I actually quite. Write me an answer.. the longest you can if you will, please.
It feels so stupid wanting to share something with someone but you can't because.. you don't even know what! I still hate that you shut me out, I only stayed there because I wouldn't fight you. It doesn't mean I ever stopped loving you, or ever will.. maybe I'll love someone else more but in my books you are still your level of awesome, you are my moon. Maybe I'll travel to another universe and find someone else, just so you know: I don't want to [No maybes.. unfortunately I'm not in control of that now.].
We don't always get what we want, again I know that too well.. but I still fight, and hope I will always fight for what I want because if I don't what's the point. If I don't then I should accept everything thrown my way with a smile because.. if I don't want anything I don't think I should ever complain.
I want my friend back, I want to be able to share any thing and everything I find suit with them [..and in every way!]. I am aware too that I'm not in control of that but I haven't fought for that yet so here's my shot. It's stupid to know what someone wants and to want to share but you can't, it doesn't make sense to be friends and you're not..
Well, it's probably my emotional intensity that has me having friends as lovers and lovers as gods that's making it like this but I still choose to embrace it. Again I want my friend back.. and I'll make an exception like I always do for people I cherish. This is just a notice so there's no room for assumption [My previous stand still stands ..but I'm never going to make a move, never going to ask to be anything more than a close friend/best friend will be my limit, if I ever get there! I'm not even ever going to propose regardless of how close we get unless you explicitly tell me, change things, and with words because actions say a lot but can so many times be misunderstood.. that just means the 'more than best friends' ball is in your court.]
So I'm gonna treat you like every other girl that gets close to me, that is if you get close to me.. I'm gonna tell you of the love escapades I go through, I'll tell you of the pretty girls who take shots of me when I'm all sharey, and the ones I take shots of, if I start taking shots.. I'd like to have you as a friend if I can't have you as anything else. I'd like you as my Kat, this should however be clear enough: you are still my Dcruise but because you pulled back and consciously put up all those barriers I will never bring up Dneau, you will have to if you want to.
Well, there's a little bit of a disclaimer here: treating you like every other girl that gets close to me with the exception of putting up barriers so I don't hurt them, so they don't fall in love with me [because we're already past that :/] could work against you.. it may have been how I lost the original Kat :/ ..so shut me up if you don't want to hear, please:! And I will listen to yours too, all of them.. if we get tight enough for me to be your 'Made of Honor' I will be, and you will be pretty lucky because this here is a contract saying I won't ever drive anything romantic towards you plus I have always wanted nothing but the best for you, if you're happy I'm happy!
Friendships are not fixed in my view, they are just as magical as romantic love stories in my experience.. I don't think you see a really admirable person and say I will have that as my friend and they just turn out to be, and exactly as you imagined them. Sometimes you want someone to be your friend but they turn out to be the biggest jerk you know, other times those who look like thugs turn out to be the most reliable and ultimately your best friends.. it's kind of hard to see right through to the heart so we need magic :/
Lucky for us we were friends, how I know what would excite you, why I'm fighting for this.. because I know what this is. So I'm done filtering unless you want me to, I'll not hesitate to share something funny, I will not think twice of handing over this disc I know you'd enjoy watching ..but I'll go with your flow! I will follow your pace.
Thursday, 20 April 2017
Lost words
Of late I've been saying what's up when what I really want to ask is 'What's your deal?'. It leads to the same old answers, shallow end dances as horribly as I'm craving the deep end. But I can't ask what's your deal, can I? It's yours.
I have been honest, truthfull, giving, never leading ..until I got there :/ As a matter of fact I consciously kept you a safe distance initially as I got to know you, before I was sure I could take more. Before I was ready to give more.
It was never out of any ill will or malice, I was only protecting you from yourself, from me. The more people know me the more they fall for me. Ego. Actually I believe the more we know people the more we fall for them, if we never actualise on anything it's only because of the barriers we place (..they're not my type, I'm looking for athletic, too short, too tall, he needs to be Irish, and should sing :/ ) consciously or unconsciously.
So I put barriers for her but I forgot to put them for me. Because I thought I knew. Apart from how amazing she was, I couldn't deal her. Because. She said she drunk alot, and that for me then meant I could never fully trust her, the drunk her at least. That could be, actually would be justification for misbehaviour, and I'm too nice, too forgiving so it definitely would be signing into 'siege'.
She would definitely not get past awesome story person, she had a thing for cats too and I was trying to stay away from cat lovers.. because cats are too canaiving (story for another day), very intelligent and witty which is totally my type but too selfish they loose the deal.
...I forgot to protect myself from you. Tables turned and I fell for you. So now I'm chasing you, how did that even happen because the last thing I remember you were coming my direction and I was taking back steps trying and working so hard to moderate this thing we have, had. When did you start running, away, and how am I chasing, why am I chasing. I was holding back because I wasn't ready and I was coming by pretty well, I would have been ready by now but then.. I shouldn't be chasing in all counts, I am less ready now than I was when I was taking steady back steps.
**********
Saturday, 11 March 2017
Chase 10MINE
As precious as you are and as much of a man as I believe myself to be I still, and never think I'd ever enjoy the chase. I'm pretty convinced I'm alien too, justifies the whole thing :/
Only those after the kill enjoy the it, top of my head :/ but I, want to pet, to domesticate.. I'd say tame but that so much implies change you and train you into something of my own making :/
So I won't chase, I want you to want me as much as I want you, or close enough to it. The best I'd do is leave some trail of crumbs and things I like that lead to me and hope the right you will follow and bite, then I'd leave my door open long after the snacks are gone to ensure you're in not just for my type of Marylands.
If you want to leave you can always leave.. but only to a certain point. After I know for sure you like my type of snacks, and the giver to whatever extent, after you stay for long enough I'd want to adopt you and own you ..never to a point where you loose yourself of course but does any of us have control of that :/ After a while I'd want to have you, I'd fight to keep you and I'd hope you'd do the same. I would expect a certain level of commitment from both of us.
But I'm still claustrophobic, as badly as I may want to stay in, have you not leave.. my door will always be open from the inside. And it doesn't even have locks on the outside because I'd never want to be locked in. But don't worry about me, don't let that have you staying ati to protect me.. I'm intelligent enough, my hinges lock in and my doors full of grease from the outside. No one can ever come in from out if I don't let them but from inside only a lean will let you out ;)
Tuesday, 25 October 2016
Inspired Change
I never consciously dare to change anyone, because what happens when they become aware of it. Even if it is clearly for their own benefit, they could refute it.
Not that I haven't wanted to. To change that one glitch in her personality and make her perfect for me, it's just one. To make her love me. To make her stop smoking, start drinking. To make her notice me.
If God himself gave us free will who are we to dare take it, away. And can we really? From anyone with a mind, could we do anything more than influence them? Could we tell them to do something and expect them to follow it through to the letter no questions asked and if they did could we trust they were humans, and not robots in skin.
Could we make anyone believe? Tell them to and expect them to, wouldn't we rather let them see. Isn't it more effective, after all it's the human saying that says seeing is believing. We all have basis for not believing mere words, because we have been deceived enough times..
Change can only really come from within, at least the long lasting type. Let me see what you're saying and let me see how it can change me from how it has changed you. Inspire me, build my believe.
Show me, rather than tell me.
Friday, 11 December 2015
Lonely Haven
If I hugged you and lingered, now,
..it would be just lust :/
For I don't know you any more,
It's like you were never inside my door.
You're just an alien now, just an alien,
If you had a place it's now just empty space.
You got replaced,
Why did you pace,
You left our place,
..who am I now that I'm not your mate:/
I hated that you were late,
All our memories now just dates
Broken, covered in tatters,
I was shattered, no tint to stop my pieces from being scattered,
The stars, the moon, I was separated from
But now I got you, no people
The sun for the day, rain on the way
Alone in our beautiful lonely haven.
Thrust through the galaxies
Constellations all within my grasp,
The universe in my hands
beauty and not just a glance..
Monday, 13 July 2015
..how much it costs!
I'd like to assume you had no intentions of doing that, weather true or not you leave me limping, homeless and with only pieces of my broken heart, that is if by luck it were made of glass.. otherwise I'm dead. We have to protect ourselves, I know I do so too or at least I try to.. but should we ever do it at the expense of others, I'd like to believe there are always other options.
What's the worst that could happen if we were nothing but nice, well, I only try.. I've never died :/ The only thing better than seeing a genuine smile on someones face is seeing the transformation from whatever was there to it.. and it only gets better if you had anything to do with it.
"Soft hearted people are not fools. They know what people did to them but they forgive again and again because they have beautiful hearts." Whether you are soft hearted or not it costs less to forgive than it does to love:/ ..think about it.
Tuesday, 16 June 2015
Love as an addiction - Glimpse of the letters.
This is the summary of a story of a 'wierdo' who still loves love, who still believes in something that the rest of us normal people only know as fantasy. He still loves despite the fact that this world is dominated with recipients who some where in the back of their minds believe they don't deserve to be loved as much as they may love (and want )the idea of it, this fantasy (first paragraph). Recipients who predominantly may be incapable or being loved leave alone reciprocating it, but aren't we all (Humans). I'll tell it in reference to the 'Letters to the Kats, Dcruises and Dneau'.
"I still love her.." he says referring to one that I'll term as his Moon. "..but love alone seems not enough. The last time we spoke I thought too that she loved me back but the world, life, in form of her self need to be alone, her past and her fear seem greater than that love for what we had." ..he continued.
"So now a perfect love seems lost to the wind, a fantasy that I lived and not just in my dreams. I sometimes wish I had the guts to slap her back to reality out of that fantasy that makes her think we couldn't have been, because.. we were. Well I'm a wierdo, I can read something beautiful over and over and still find it beautiful." "Are we still talking about her?" I ask just to confirm.. and I get an answer from his eyes, a look that seems to undermine my ability to connect:[]
"I may love her forever but there are things I have no control over, if she loves me back, if she'll have me back, how we'll fix that trust, who she is and who with time she chooses to be.. but those are not enough reasons not to love still. I have never and may never be in control of anything or one other than me, and I don't desire to be, because if I am then what will there be to see.. and I loove to see. So I pray to God, He'll reach where I can't reach, He sees everywhere including where no one else can see, and if He sees fit he will fix it however He please.. and I take comfort for you can't rebel against God for too long, it's like rebelling against love, you'll be killing your soul.. so I pray to God to get through to my love, if she too loves then I have two in one ..but I'd skip praying if I knew she would still fight that, because I'd rather not have her than live with seeing her without a soul. Even from this much distance, my myopia is un existant when it comes to seeing her."
Too deep, I think. I should have comprehended love after that but I didn't just understand his version of it :[] ..I got scared, it seems too deep, over exposing.. like you could die of it.. while at the same time the most beautiful thing you'd want to be in. Secured, cherished, full.. is what it seems you always are in it :!
Monday, 16 March 2015
Dingly bells.
Night at the museum three I think, the one with Arthur. Dingly bells is the name he uses to refer to the star of the show, the night guard. He was named that after the hat the castles fool always has on, it has Dingly bells, he's the castle fool.. In this instance that's awesome, at least in Arthurs perspective, the mythic creature made out of wax, the knight. Dingly bells is just super funny even when he's not, Arthur can't help laugh.
They are just that, Dingly bells.. I don't know who I am, just that even when they are meant to annoy me they make me laugh. If I was the strong majestic knight I would have thrown them of like he did the skeleton extinct magical creature but, I still couldn't help laugh and let them have their way in restraining me. It was funny, really.. them Dingly bells.
I tried to tell them I was already decided to leave with him, he was waiting for me.. I even showed them but they still couldn't let me leave. I would have started to give them a speech of how only I could change my mind and decide to go with them but I wouldn't, but would they listen.. they wouldn't let me go and before I decided to show them I knew of my free will, that even with a gun to me I was aware it was still my choice and I had already picked, before I remembered they were still holding me I started laughing.
I can almost swear I still believed in my free will, that I still believed I could leave but they had me. Once I started laughing I realized I couldn't breathe, he must have seen it, must have been why he took a leave.. those freaking clowns, those Dingly bells, those annoying touts, why are they so funny.
You could end up going somewhere you never intended, find yourself in Mombasa while you were going to :/ Kijabe.. why do I laugh, it's not funny landing in Mombasa with a jacket, and blankets. ':| Hate that I love them :/ hate is too strong a word, they're funny. I still don't like how weak they make me!
Thursday, 13 November 2014
Circles
If she's inside your box you should be aware she could as well leave, get out and into another one. You could lock her in of course, but I'd rather an empty one than a bugging noisy box whose content is so volatile I have no idea how the lead could contained it.
What am I suggesting you ask ':? Circles!!! They are round, have diameters and half that, radii!? Are you on Google +¿? I'm talking about such kinds of circles!
If your circle and her circle meet you end up in one circle, a circle for each but in this case common zones for both. The closer the circles the bigger the common zones, if they get close enough they could end up as one circle completely inside another, think of that zone!
If your friends are her friends, your places her places, if you like what she likes, you only seem doomed to be together more often than not.
Circles make the strongest structures too. Sometimes people make kids trying to achieve this.. If my kids are your kids, blablabla! Circular structures are so strong geometrically they rarely crumble inwards but by a force from within they destruct so easy.. translated this means you can't lock her in because as strong as you seem together, your strength only protects you from the outside. Think of a well ':/
So I'm not saying if you go to someone you like and build a circle around them you can live happily ever after, rather that if you find a partner who's circle can easily blend into your circle, who loves your circle.. you've hit the jackpot.
I'm saying choose that person you like whose in a circle around you, or bring the person you like into your circles. The later however, doesn't guarantee she will stay there unless she actually for real loves your circles.
The disclaimer here is people aren't bots, part of why they are special. Sometimes people radically change, so much that they change circles. It's not the normal but it does happen, the good thing is if your eyes are open you will see this coming.
Saturday, 8 November 2014
Handful
..is what he said.
If they are not full then I'll have to think about things, I don't want to relieve,
I live in all times, if I'm not full time now I will live both now and then, in the past and future, I know me, believe.
So sometimes I juggle, so I don't mumble, about my hand full because I know and I'd rather that than a mind full of perspectives, possibilities.
..sometimes.
sEE
I'm not saying I'm God, I'm just asking can you really lie to God,
Can you lie to one who's omnipotent, one who sees all?
How then can you dare lie to me, when I've seen you do it, you smell of it, are coloured with it, your belongings are textured by it but I'm not saying you've done it based on only how you look, I saw you do it.
A hologram, maybe baybe but I saw..
Wednesday, 29 October 2014
noW
One day when you know all my stories..
Do you think I will be boring, should I start worrying':?
But that'd be lame, I'd mess the whole game ':!
Even if that would happen, and I'd turn boring ..that would be then.
Why waste now because of then, a future that is variable, one that's malleable.
Live to your fullest, love, laugh, jump, dance.. because you're able.
Enjoy life, love.. see the beauty of the earth.
Taste, breath, feel ..smell God's art.
Friday, 15 August 2014
Made of this.
Why am I sure I'm not just skipping from one impossibility to the next, to prove a point? Well, maybe I'm not..
Sure, but I am! ..it has been the one constant desire I've had since I was a child, and the one thing that I seem to be drifting further and further away from as I grow.
Of late I have however been fighting really hard for this seemingly impossible dream, that's why I'm questioning it. Am I just fighting to prove I'm not a fool, because Napoléon Bon aparté said that that's a word found only in their dictionaries.
Am I just running after the wind, what I know I can't catch? The girl I will never get to meet, is she my description of perfect.
I would have convinced myself of that if I hadn't met her, if I hadn't met my like I would have.
But I did meet that girl that wasn't even in my dreams, and I met her at the most unusual of places, in the most unusual of ways... the impossible did happen.
It was so seemingly impossible, what happened, it was easier convincing my mind it only happened in it, so it's true, pretty obvious really that every great achievement once seemed impossible.
Does it work for all? If i invent a time machine would it exists, would it still be impossible, would it be an achievement.
That's how far away I've veered as I go further and further away from this mine desire.
They only discovered the great inventions by doing it, envisioning even the seemingly impossible at their time so I will have to keep on dreaming, to keep on being a sayer :( until I can build capacity to do. Every thing comes to being at its time, the wise King said.
Wednesday, 16 July 2014
Tommyhillfigure instead of Gucci jeans ':.
My mind is filled with the wrongest things..
I'm talking about tommyhillfugure instead of Gucci jeans?/;:'"!
Like I'm in law school but I'm more of an Einstein, geek!
..it could be that I'm just thinking about things too deep:/
Thinking about the future to far off,
But is that really wrong, what's wrong with having a thought?!
Making plans, taking turns, juggling everything round & round,
..put that way then it may not be so right, right?
If my brain is working full-time for my future then when am I gonna live today?
Thinking about my PhD when, I'm not even done with my degree,
Feel like I'm eroding too fast, I'm turning into debris..
I need to stop this, or sort it, arrange my thoughts before it gets too late, stop this debate..
Why am I thinking too much, why do I do this?
Because this is me, because that's how I do it!
..why am I talking to myself, why am I doing this?
Because I understand me, because this is how I sometimes do it..
I know.. you know :p
I know you're beautiful, every guy would gladly have you,
You left me lastfull, that's partly why I chose you,
I know they would fight for you,
Both princes and even princesses,
I know I'm lucky that you chose me,
But never remind me, remember that I too chose you.
I chose you from a crowd of many,
All fighting for you but you're not in plenty,
Some lost, others found ..I gained what was my most priced tresure,
You chose me, I am lucky, I thank God to have you, even if just to remember!
A song that could describe what I feel ':?
I'm looking for a song that could describe what I feel,
It's hard to even find words that could describe my ordeal,
Horror movies, ragging seas, crying babies,
Still can't find maybe a sound could describe better this scene,
Aaarg, ggggr, can't say bazinga of sounds kind of cool,
Dann, khh, they're still words on a paper maybe a color, blue!
..could describe better what I may be going through,
It's not funny, yet I'm laughing I should go back to my room
Boom! ..thank God its not all in my head,
How could just white on the floor cause all that tension,
Milk poured down be such a big deal,
It's real, it's real, I'm not going mad ..all this tension is real
I'd clearly finished this on the previous line,
Kpaw! ..a Chinese plate from my dad's hand, decides it's its time,
Coincidence, probably, or not, now what?
Melancholy is the reason why I took this pad, I was drowning in my thoughts,
Now what, now what?@#$%&*-+()
Not so forever.
Should I presume that you don't love me any more,
Maybe love is too strong, I mean you don't percieve me like you did?
It sounds rhetoric but I need an answer because in my mind there's a law,
You still are crowned queen, in my mind you still are the lady on the lead.
It's probably been months but to me we spoke yesterday,
The pain however feels longer than pain caused by just a day..
You've probably moved on, and me, I still relieve each day,
Each breath while with you because I don't know how to convince my mind you are gone, that it's been days, [weeks, months.. I still can't move on]
Well maybe you're not? I'm willing to live in this pain,
Because I can't dare imagine how much more it would be, forget about the gain,
..imagine being sure she's gone, forever,
Ooh, how I'd hate forever.. and I still have will to live :(!)
Why the heck did I say I'd love you forever, love is too strong :( I hate J'adore, now J'aime.
UPart
I love you, and you love me back, loved me back maybe, or am I that blonde I just assumed that FACT,
Your words if I assumed it's only that they came from your heart,
Like mine did, or from somewhere deep within your being..
Then why are we not happy together, or atleast still together,
What happenned to us, who changed the weather,
I know we hadn't said our vows yet but should it really affect us, I'm talking about the bad whether, whether it's dark or night, as long as we are together, forever..
When I'm down you pull me up, or support me be a lever, when you're down, I'll carry you, with my hands, on my back,
If we happen to be all down, we'll fight together, on the ground I will build a shelter,
for us, I can, we can never be defeated, not just because you bring me lack,
Because we were made like that, on our own we are strong, together united we're stronger.
Stonger than steel, stronger than the hippos skin which cannot be cut through even with the strongest steel
Happily [N]ever after?!
When I stop giving the story, It doesn't mean it's stopped existing, does it ':?
It's history ':? Try missing work for a day, tell me if everyone else will also be missing.
..inaction on your part doesn't stop the world from spinning, revolving round the solar system, the solar system from going round this galaxy, the milky way from going round.. the force of gravity still pulls as strong,
..so think about that as you enjoy that lunch, as you take those seeps of that sweet gravy away from work.
Happily ever after only exists because the story stops, but the story never stops,
again don't you read your history':?
Next time you decide to take a break go back in time, relieve the beauty,
Then you may waltz back, that's the only way you won't miss a thing, you have to be care full you don't get lost in time, best of luck.
There are happy moments and sad ones, if I stop at the sad will that be happily never after ':? I don't think so, unless I choose to make it so.
Now, I'm saying we can live happily ever after, being happy forever is a choice in your hands. We have contol of the most important influence on our future, THE POWER TO CHOOSE HOW TO REACT TO THE WORLDS PUSHES AND PULLS.
The choice we take will influence whether we'll live happily, never or ever after.