Test

"...you know your test, two words from the 1st and last page.. I discovered one for people. "

I was at a friends party Jana and as we left I saw the moon.. full and so beautiful.

So I share with this person next to me, "Check out the moon" I say, they look up and immediately after looked back at me wondering what they were meant to see. Then I get sad :( ..then I get close to my friend, the birthday girl and I get another view of it.

She's artistic, I just wanted to share with her its beauty.. she looked at it, looked back at me and [..in my heart I said damn] she went ahead to ask me what about it, I gave up and just said it's beautiful. And she said yeah.. I didn't expect it from her :(

..anyways, it was a long way home and I stared at it as long as I could, its beauty pulling me, gluing me to it:[] through the tall trees and the leaves [even more beautiful].

And when I got home I got out and stared at it some more, would have slept out if I could have ..the full moon was beautiful, it's hard to understand how some people couldn't notice.

People are different.

Through my lens ..the way i see ^_^

If only you could see the way I do, see what I see.. see through my lenses. Beautiful things, figures, people.. no, maybe it's better you don't. I feel just as intensely, pain, sorrow and not just mine but from everyone around me.. could you really take that.

Being entwined in a rage that is not yours, feeling the hate that you have successfully trained yourself never to have.. but feeling it non the less, radiating from that sad soul seated to the now sad soul that is you.

I guess I am only alive because I can take out as much as I net in, but it's not easy.. it has never been easy. Writing what they call beautiful poetry, playing the guitar, talking continuously with so much depth may seem like a talent.. a gift from God but only God knows how so many times I have wished not to have this gift, because as precious as it is so is it as heavy.

If not for Him.. so I thank Him everyday, for His presence in every way. When He sends a random guy from the streets who saves me, when He uses a friend to wake me [from deadly sleep], when He uses family to physically and emotionally shelter me, when He sends His Angeles and when He's just Him. I thank Him..

It depends on what you see ':¶

You know those instance where someone else has already seen the end but even if they were your close and trusted friend you won't stop just because of what they see. And it's not because you don't believe them, or what they're saying is not the most believable, or so obvious if you were them you would say the same!

Those instances where you, who is normally a very rational being know you're being irrational but still choose to take that risk, because among many other things you want to experience it [Or atleast that's how it seems!].

Where even if you don't believe, you still won't give in to the pressure to leave your radical choice... in many cases however, you believe, or atleast want to believe it will be different.

When you sacrifice all you have... you could loose it all in a blink. If however you don't you may make the biggest gain everyone could have never imagined.

It's a stupid move that makes absolutely no sense... bluffing with no ace up your sleeve, but if you pull it of you walk away with everything on the table.

The risk is unquantifiable, it's more of an uncertainty to everyone else but you can see the shine... the only reason you are all in regardless of who wins, because no one else can see the real price.

While they see the sun with all it's potential energy, you can see more than that... many stars, many galaxies, what seems like an entire universe only wrapped in what everyone else sees as garbage ':| What you see is not only energy, power, uncontained, undefined but you see beauty too, you see the night sky... now you must understand how easy it is to bet my sun and moon, now you know if I had the milky way I would bet it too. 

That is how you win regardless of how the game ends. Because even if someone else takes the price [you can offer to be their slave to tend to it, to amaze in its beauty everyday, every second of your slave days! But you probably don't have to...], they will leave your universe well wrapped as rubbish, to be collected by the servants. You only need to befriend them, or offer to clean up to save yourself from looking through the the bin.

If this is not your case then it will be a stupid bluff, a risk not worth taking ...my disclaimer opinion. Please take this warning and save yourself from loosing all your material wealth, in a poker game!

How much?

I can count the number if times I have given up on someone, I mean for me they're so few.. I actually can hardly recall any! So far only this one girl but I didn't really give up on her, I just couldn't keep up. She was too fast, atleast for me at that time.

That's one of the tricky parts of relationships.. you meet someone, you like them, sometimes they like you back. Now that they like you back, because you like them as much what will you do to that.

You probably want to know them more.. so hang out with them more, talk to them more':/ we however have to remember that life existed before they met you, you existed before you met them after all [..right ':?]? So how do you do this, where will they get the extra hours to be with you?

A day has only 24hours, even if you had the cash and could afford to buy extra time there's no market for that yet maybe in time. But even if you could are you worth the time, are they willing to give you that time?

It's all about interests. How interesting you are to them, how interesting they are to you. All this among many other factors like your spare capacity will influence their ranking and maybe position in your life.

I remember this amazing girl I met in a mat, for instance.

I have this habit of having a book with me whenever I'm carrying a bag, and another habit of almost always always carrying a bag [you can see where this is headed, of course:!] ..I had a bag and books.

I had decided to Polish up on my French so every morning in the ma3 I would have my book out of the bag and go through an average of around five pages.. I was really getting good too. It's one of the major advantages of not driving

[Unless you have audio knowledge.. or an Audi, I think it would be pretty had to leave an Audi parked even for knowledge, ok, maybe for knowledge. After which you would drive it through the streets of Paris ..you can speak French now. It of course has GPS navigation so you don't need to the French to ask for direction but you can still speak it :p Ooh, and it's convertible.. it has to be so that you can see the stars and moon as you drive through the night ':|]

As I read my book, more like study this girl boards the mat and sits right next to me. She's on her phone and smiling alot, she's texting someone.. I was seriously studying my French book, for real [I was ':?!] I was.. it's just that my brain can hardly let anything get by me, that's why I probably need a controlled environment [seclusion to maximize on study!] ..I really need this especially right now, that's a story for another day though ':!

Then I see a cell phone right infront of me and now I'm officially distracted. Translate please must have been what she must have said to me.. thank God I knew that translation otherwise, uhm.. so I translated the text and that's how the conversation started.

She was an awesome girl, brilliant, very intellectual, confident, a little uhm, and really pretty too ..a girl like the ones I usually fall for, yes I do ':!

I have to admit I loved how she did it, how she hit through her shy self and said hi to me. When I think about it and now when I look back she's so much like me [omg, there are so many people like me.. and how I pride myself in being different, maybe I should stop ':?] ..how she cleaverly used the truth to start a conversation just like I believe I would to talk to someone who seems interesting. It's one of the hardest things to do for 'people like us' but risks are everywhere so if the reward seems worth why not.

One of her friends who was learning French was really exited about it so he sent her a minimum of one word everyday, and she sent back a word of Spanish [Please note I said MINIMUM, his sentences were full of French phrases while hers were just as Spanish!].. a really interesting way of learning, I think I should consider [Ooh, the words sent are never translated.. you have to search for the meaning yourself!].

Why I brought this up is because, it's one relationship that disappeared just because, uhm ..the right factors as per this piece were not in place, like no investment of time mainly.

We met again randomly somewhere on the streets but you can never really speak on the streets, except from greetings and maybe some small talk ':/ ..so whem I saw her again some weeks back after a really long time [probably a year ':! ] I felt really sad! She said hi from a distance and, it took me a while to load her but when I did I really felt bad :/

She made her move and I really liked her, but because of my then position I didn't reciprocate. I lost a potentially great friend.. I really searched hard for her contacts that day [sort of rampaging through my Google contacts without even a name, I shot words that may relate to what I knew of her hoping I had described her in the contact notes ..and the search would find her but to no avail :( ], even I thought that was too desperate [..lame, yes, I don't understand why I so openly admit I did ..she was worth it ':?]

..I hope fate bring us another chance but in this case there's not much I can do but wait.

Life, Destiny, God

She must be a prophet, a pretty good one at that! Or else how would she predict her future so well, tell it yesterday in her story ..unless she controls it ':! Yeah, that makes more sense, it's more believable! She writes her story and lives it like she's written it.

Sometimes I wish I could do that. But there's not much I can control.. I can write a good story, in fact, I have the whole story. A very beautiful story at that! Living it is the bit I don't have too much control of. I can only try my best to live my great story, exactly how I've written it, that is.

I also realized I'm not the only writer of this story. God already wrote it, even before I was conceived a story of my life was written. The world too has claims to this story of my life; through my family [dad wants something of me, mom too, & my brothers, & sister], friends [several girls want me as their boyfriend, the one I want isn't even among them ':!]

..I should then understand, after all I have my claim on someone else's story, this girl who seems in full control of her story. This literally means if she doesn't put me in character, if my character in her story doesn't fit my character in my story I'm out of character :'(

So what am I saying? ...there are so many pushes and pulls in this world. For you there's; what you want, what everyone else wants, what even you haven't realized you want yet, what destiny wants [let's assume this is the God variable.. what God wants for you.]

Talking about destiny, given He's God then maybe it's a constant ':! ..wait, thank God for free will ..it's a variable [..is what I strongly believe!]! How He still is God is because He can see all the possible variables, where every alternative will land you [Our choices influence our destinies, we're not doomed to one fate.. it's all variable, we write our own fate]!

It really amazes me what type of being He is, that with all His power He still gives us choice. Human beings usually give choices and options only [ok, let's be more generous and say mostly] because they know they have no choice [but to give them, because if they don't the choice may be taken anyway.. and they would loose any perceived power they may have had, any leverage ':!?].

Let's work with those four variables for now, but just to show that there are many more I will mention some more: I could break down what everyone wants by defining what everyone means; friends and enemies, we could also break this down further to what friends may include; family, close friends, friendly colleagues.. well, this may never end. Let's push it still, just a little bit more: what I want may be; a battle between the left and right spheres of the brain; a battle of the soul between my heart and my mind, a battle of my conscious and my ego ..I have to end this, this battle in me to continue or end this ':|

What I'm saying is we don't have much control over how our life transpires. I however insist we should still make plans, otherwise we should be content with anything.. we should still hope for the best, we should still expect. Only, with knowledge of how the world is we should be conscious that it's not guaranteed, that there's a possibility our expectations may never be met. Nevertheless let's still believe in our plans and work towards them.. The fact that we could fail should not be reason not to try, after all risks are everywhere!? ..the fact that you may not receive is not reason enough not to expect! [Is it ':? ..it shouldn't be is what I strongly believe!]

..maybe we could involve God in them [Pray, perhaps ':? ]? He is supreme after all, He can make anything, can fix everything, He is the only one tho has the power to change everything, in singleness, simultaneity, all possibilities at the same time ..to work for our good! He can merge my goals to her goals, can make her story merge onto my story.. He's the only one who could do that.

All I could do if I was to dare try is to make choices so that I could fit in her story, whatever role I'm given as per her script [who wants that, to take anything that comes ':/ ..do you really want to fit into destinies plans, have absolutely no choice, be bound to take whatever you're given?]

I know I have my free will, but I have to remember I only have mine. I have absolutely no power over anyone else, I could influence those who I command respect from.. but that's as much as I could do, well of course I could manipulate, blackmail e.t.c ..to get what I want from whomever but it wouldn't really be worth, plus it's not me':! I couldn't do that mainly because He gave us free will, and I trust Him, I trust his reasons [..so for the same reasons; I could only be bound to Him, I could only give into His will ..You could have me in chains, entangled, cut of my veins.. but you may never have me, unless I choose to let you have me.. Again this is the greatest gift we were ever given!]. Ever heard this "Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery; None but ourselves can free our minds."

In conclusion.. God is simply my best bet, that's what I believe.. what I choose to believe, that He is real. That through Him I can be all I want to be, through Him, YOU can be all you want to be [Psalms37:4]. It is Him that after all put those desires on you.

Talk to Him [It's not that hard to pray.. just talk like you would talk to your best friend, the one you confide in, your dog, or Teddy bear, maybe yourself, or your music, your computer, your books.. you know who or what you talk to, talk to him like that.]!

Meet

...So I get this call from an unknown number as I'm reading this book waiting for this guy to finally keep his word, even if only once.

I know it seems like I'm trying too hard but this guy seems...ok, I know also that human beings are bound to disappoint but what about faith?

Anyways that's not why I came here in the first place. I had already given up on him, was here only to let the dogs out on him [How humanly loving of me.. I was, for real, you believe me..don't you?

Please say yes, if I'm not human who am I? Well, I know I feel alien most times but it's them not me, right ':? Wait..don't tell me, I'd rather just live with my thoughts..]

So, as I was saying, I pick up the call and.. it's not who I thought it was. It's not the potential guitar student I had been told about.

She's in town, one of my very close friends is in town..

My mind all of a sudden developed some crazy conscious. I now remembered how rugged I was.. how I just jumped out of the house attired in the closest thing I could find, how crised my white tshirt was ..it didn't meet the iron box that lay so conveniently next to my bed.

I am always conscious, but today I was just going to finish some dirty job. I wasn't planning to stay longer than an hour.. atleast that's what I thought, I planed ':! Because of that I even had another date in an hour back home.

"That's great.." is what I must have said to that babe when she told me she would be here in an hour or an hour and a half.
{Fast foward ..coz I'm too lazy to write any more, especially coz I'm using my phone..}

We finally met.

My eyes walked around alot as I waited for her. Sometimes I looked at my phone other times I thought about removing that book..it would help her spot me [I for a second thought..], but I knew I couldn't read a thing so I left her, Elizabeth Gilbert, that is, the author of the book I was reading.

I finally spotted someone who almost looked like her, well, apart from the way she was clad. She was a little extreme, with a dark, tight, 'hugging' short dress, and sunglasses.. she seemed to have alot of make up too.

Now all I could come back to was how I looked, how it could look walking with her.

I was pretty comfortable with my look but next to her I would have gotten a little uncomfortable, I think ':/ she probably would have too is what I also thought.

Then my mind went to the more logical facts of the matter as my eyes followed her further and further away from me as she went on looking for whoever she was looking for [Of course me :) ] ..so as I reached for my phone to call her, to rid her of what seemed like a torturous search. Before I could call my phone rang.. it was her!

I watched her pick up the phone, and as I told her I could see her I get a tap on me and she says hi..

Thank God ..must have been what I said in my mind!

I confirmed it was her..the real her.

Thank God it wasn't her, it would have been weird walking with a girl that dresses up given how rugged I was, how rugged I imagined myself to be.

She was simply dressed but beautiful, even more beautiful than the really dressed up lady in black who I thought was her.

She was in a red cardigan and wore a really pretty smile.

We walked and walked as we spoke.

She was as amazing in person as she always was in our conversations.

It was awesome meeting her.

It was awesome meeting you :)

I can't help wonder how it will be meeting her.. I know she wrote it down..prophecy, but everyday I loose an ounce of belief that it'll ever happen [Happen how she put it down..if it'll be as intense, in a good way, like she said ..I'll have to keep on wondering Π':( ].

Maybe it already did, happen [Sometimes I think that my mind made her up.. ':?, :(, :'(, :''( ] hmm..

Is she real, of course she's real [Whether a creation of my mind, or another ..she was created so she is of course real]! What I mean is does she exist in the human form I was made to believe she does , hmn ':?

..for more about this mysteries, check out 'stories'. 

Now lOOk what you made me wRITE

I've already done this before,
Enough experience, don't need any more,
If ever you are to leave just tell it to my face,
I never want to plan for this, maybe I should? ..I dont want to fall on my lace!

Break my face, I would hate, but I'd rather that than my heart,
..so if you ever want to leave just tell it to my face, don't just run from our hut,
..mansion, tree house, whatever you call it, anything you want,

I will make it easier, not too uncomfortable, I won't gaze,
I will walk away, with the broken pieces of my heart, stay away from your place..
Not coz I will be over you but because I respect everyone, so sad that now you will be everyone :(

..so if you keep quiet, and tourture me I will assume you're seeking revenge,
Or you're sick, you're laying somewhere in bed,
And I don't know how not to be a good friend,
I will worry, tourture me, if that's what you wanted you have in the worst way been avenged.

..but don't worry, I won't fight back, I never do, that's just me,
Maybe sing Neyo & Rihana's 'hate that I love you', that's the worst I could do!?/;
Even if I didn't love.. off cause, how could that even be true?/;
..now I'm done, not with you, just doing the worst I could do.
..expressing myself.
Seems not yet "I miss you" 'babe'..
:"( end.