Thursday 20 April 2017

Lost words

Of late I've been saying what's up when what I really want to ask is 'What's your deal?'. It leads to the same old answers, shallow end dances as horribly as I'm craving the deep end. But I can't ask what's your deal, can I? It's yours.

I have been honest, truthfull, giving, never leading ..until I got there :/ As a matter of fact I consciously kept you a safe distance initially as I got to know you, before I was sure I could take more. Before I was ready to give more.

It was never out of any ill will or malice, I was only protecting you from yourself, from me. The more people know me the more they fall for me. Ego. Actually I believe the more we know people the more we fall for them, if we never actualise on anything it's only because of the barriers we place (..they're not my type, I'm looking for athletic, too short, too tall, he needs to be Irish, and should sing :/ ) consciously or unconsciously. 

So I put barriers for her but I forgot to put them for me. Because I thought I knew. Apart from how amazing she was, I couldn't deal her. Because. She said she drunk alot, and that for me then meant I could never fully trust her, the drunk her at least. That could be, actually would be justification for misbehaviour, and I'm too nice, too forgiving so it definitely would be signing into 'siege'. 

She would definitely not get past awesome story person, she had a thing for cats too and I was trying to stay away from cat lovers.. because cats are too canaiving (story for another day), very intelligent and witty which is totally my type but too selfish they loose the deal. 

...I forgot to protect myself from you. Tables turned and I fell for you. So now I'm chasing you, how did that even happen because the last thing I remember you were coming my direction and I was taking back steps trying and working so hard to moderate this thing we have, had. When did you start running, away, and how am I chasing, why am I chasing. I was holding back because I wasn't ready and I was coming by pretty well, I would have been ready by now but then.. I shouldn't be chasing in all counts, I am less ready now than I was when I was taking steady back steps.

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