How much?

I can count the number if times I have given up on someone, I mean for me they're so few.. I actually can hardly recall any! So far only this one girl but I didn't really give up on her, I just couldn't keep up. She was too fast, atleast for me at that time.

That's one of the tricky parts of relationships.. you meet someone, you like them, sometimes they like you back. Now that they like you back, because you like them as much what will you do to that.

You probably want to know them more.. so hang out with them more, talk to them more':/ we however have to remember that life existed before they met you, you existed before you met them after all [..right ':?]? So how do you do this, where will they get the extra hours to be with you?

A day has only 24hours, even if you had the cash and could afford to buy extra time there's no market for that yet maybe in time. But even if you could are you worth the time, are they willing to give you that time?

It's all about interests. How interesting you are to them, how interesting they are to you. All this among many other factors like your spare capacity will influence their ranking and maybe position in your life.

I remember this amazing girl I met in a mat, for instance.

I have this habit of having a book with me whenever I'm carrying a bag, and another habit of almost always always carrying a bag [you can see where this is headed, of course:!] ..I had a bag and books.

I had decided to Polish up on my French so every morning in the ma3 I would have my book out of the bag and go through an average of around five pages.. I was really getting good too. It's one of the major advantages of not driving

[Unless you have audio knowledge.. or an Audi, I think it would be pretty had to leave an Audi parked even for knowledge, ok, maybe for knowledge. After which you would drive it through the streets of Paris ..you can speak French now. It of course has GPS navigation so you don't need to the French to ask for direction but you can still speak it :p Ooh, and it's convertible.. it has to be so that you can see the stars and moon as you drive through the night ':|]

As I read my book, more like study this girl boards the mat and sits right next to me. She's on her phone and smiling alot, she's texting someone.. I was seriously studying my French book, for real [I was ':?!] I was.. it's just that my brain can hardly let anything get by me, that's why I probably need a controlled environment [seclusion to maximize on study!] ..I really need this especially right now, that's a story for another day though ':!

Then I see a cell phone right infront of me and now I'm officially distracted. Translate please must have been what she must have said to me.. thank God I knew that translation otherwise, uhm.. so I translated the text and that's how the conversation started.

She was an awesome girl, brilliant, very intellectual, confident, a little uhm, and really pretty too ..a girl like the ones I usually fall for, yes I do ':!

I have to admit I loved how she did it, how she hit through her shy self and said hi to me. When I think about it and now when I look back she's so much like me [omg, there are so many people like me.. and how I pride myself in being different, maybe I should stop ':?] ..how she cleaverly used the truth to start a conversation just like I believe I would to talk to someone who seems interesting. It's one of the hardest things to do for 'people like us' but risks are everywhere so if the reward seems worth why not.

One of her friends who was learning French was really exited about it so he sent her a minimum of one word everyday, and she sent back a word of Spanish [Please note I said MINIMUM, his sentences were full of French phrases while hers were just as Spanish!].. a really interesting way of learning, I think I should consider [Ooh, the words sent are never translated.. you have to search for the meaning yourself!].

Why I brought this up is because, it's one relationship that disappeared just because, uhm ..the right factors as per this piece were not in place, like no investment of time mainly.

We met again randomly somewhere on the streets but you can never really speak on the streets, except from greetings and maybe some small talk ':/ ..so whem I saw her again some weeks back after a really long time [probably a year ':! ] I felt really sad! She said hi from a distance and, it took me a while to load her but when I did I really felt bad :/

She made her move and I really liked her, but because of my then position I didn't reciprocate. I lost a potentially great friend.. I really searched hard for her contacts that day [sort of rampaging through my Google contacts without even a name, I shot words that may relate to what I knew of her hoping I had described her in the contact notes ..and the search would find her but to no avail :( ], even I thought that was too desperate [..lame, yes, I don't understand why I so openly admit I did ..she was worth it ':?]

..I hope fate bring us another chance but in this case there's not much I can do but wait.

Life, Destiny, God

She must be a prophet, a pretty good one at that! Or else how would she predict her future so well, tell it yesterday in her story ..unless she controls it ':! Yeah, that makes more sense, it's more believable! She writes her story and lives it like she's written it.

Sometimes I wish I could do that. But there's not much I can control.. I can write a good story, in fact, I have the whole story. A very beautiful story at that! Living it is the bit I don't have too much control of. I can only try my best to live my great story, exactly how I've written it, that is.

I also realized I'm not the only writer of this story. God already wrote it, even before I was conceived a story of my life was written. The world too has claims to this story of my life; through my family [dad wants something of me, mom too, & my brothers, & sister], friends [several girls want me as their boyfriend, the one I want isn't even among them ':!]

..I should then understand, after all I have my claim on someone else's story, this girl who seems in full control of her story. This literally means if she doesn't put me in character, if my character in her story doesn't fit my character in my story I'm out of character :'(

So what am I saying? ...there are so many pushes and pulls in this world. For you there's; what you want, what everyone else wants, what even you haven't realized you want yet, what destiny wants [let's assume this is the God variable.. what God wants for you.]

Talking about destiny, given He's God then maybe it's a constant ':! ..wait, thank God for free will ..it's a variable [..is what I strongly believe!]! How He still is God is because He can see all the possible variables, where every alternative will land you [Our choices influence our destinies, we're not doomed to one fate.. it's all variable, we write our own fate]!

It really amazes me what type of being He is, that with all His power He still gives us choice. Human beings usually give choices and options only [ok, let's be more generous and say mostly] because they know they have no choice [but to give them, because if they don't the choice may be taken anyway.. and they would loose any perceived power they may have had, any leverage ':!?].

Let's work with those four variables for now, but just to show that there are many more I will mention some more: I could break down what everyone wants by defining what everyone means; friends and enemies, we could also break this down further to what friends may include; family, close friends, friendly colleagues.. well, this may never end. Let's push it still, just a little bit more: what I want may be; a battle between the left and right spheres of the brain; a battle of the soul between my heart and my mind, a battle of my conscious and my ego ..I have to end this, this battle in me to continue or end this ':|

What I'm saying is we don't have much control over how our life transpires. I however insist we should still make plans, otherwise we should be content with anything.. we should still hope for the best, we should still expect. Only, with knowledge of how the world is we should be conscious that it's not guaranteed, that there's a possibility our expectations may never be met. Nevertheless let's still believe in our plans and work towards them.. The fact that we could fail should not be reason not to try, after all risks are everywhere!? ..the fact that you may not receive is not reason enough not to expect! [Is it ':? ..it shouldn't be is what I strongly believe!]

..maybe we could involve God in them [Pray, perhaps ':? ]? He is supreme after all, He can make anything, can fix everything, He is the only one tho has the power to change everything, in singleness, simultaneity, all possibilities at the same time ..to work for our good! He can merge my goals to her goals, can make her story merge onto my story.. He's the only one who could do that.

All I could do if I was to dare try is to make choices so that I could fit in her story, whatever role I'm given as per her script [who wants that, to take anything that comes ':/ ..do you really want to fit into destinies plans, have absolutely no choice, be bound to take whatever you're given?]

I know I have my free will, but I have to remember I only have mine. I have absolutely no power over anyone else, I could influence those who I command respect from.. but that's as much as I could do, well of course I could manipulate, blackmail e.t.c ..to get what I want from whomever but it wouldn't really be worth, plus it's not me':! I couldn't do that mainly because He gave us free will, and I trust Him, I trust his reasons [..so for the same reasons; I could only be bound to Him, I could only give into His will ..You could have me in chains, entangled, cut of my veins.. but you may never have me, unless I choose to let you have me.. Again this is the greatest gift we were ever given!]. Ever heard this "Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery; None but ourselves can free our minds."

In conclusion.. God is simply my best bet, that's what I believe.. what I choose to believe, that He is real. That through Him I can be all I want to be, through Him, YOU can be all you want to be [Psalms37:4]. It is Him that after all put those desires on you.

Talk to Him [It's not that hard to pray.. just talk like you would talk to your best friend, the one you confide in, your dog, or Teddy bear, maybe yourself, or your music, your computer, your books.. you know who or what you talk to, talk to him like that.]!

Meet

...So I get this call from an unknown number as I'm reading this book waiting for this guy to finally keep his word, even if only once.

I know it seems like I'm trying too hard but this guy seems...ok, I know also that human beings are bound to disappoint but what about faith?

Anyways that's not why I came here in the first place. I had already given up on him, was here only to let the dogs out on him [How humanly loving of me.. I was, for real, you believe me..don't you?

Please say yes, if I'm not human who am I? Well, I know I feel alien most times but it's them not me, right ':? Wait..don't tell me, I'd rather just live with my thoughts..]

So, as I was saying, I pick up the call and.. it's not who I thought it was. It's not the potential guitar student I had been told about.

She's in town, one of my very close friends is in town..

My mind all of a sudden developed some crazy conscious. I now remembered how rugged I was.. how I just jumped out of the house attired in the closest thing I could find, how crised my white tshirt was ..it didn't meet the iron box that lay so conveniently next to my bed.

I am always conscious, but today I was just going to finish some dirty job. I wasn't planning to stay longer than an hour.. atleast that's what I thought, I planed ':! Because of that I even had another date in an hour back home.

"That's great.." is what I must have said to that babe when she told me she would be here in an hour or an hour and a half.
{Fast foward ..coz I'm too lazy to write any more, especially coz I'm using my phone..}

We finally met.

My eyes walked around alot as I waited for her. Sometimes I looked at my phone other times I thought about removing that book..it would help her spot me [I for a second thought..], but I knew I couldn't read a thing so I left her, Elizabeth Gilbert, that is, the author of the book I was reading.

I finally spotted someone who almost looked like her, well, apart from the way she was clad. She was a little extreme, with a dark, tight, 'hugging' short dress, and sunglasses.. she seemed to have alot of make up too.

Now all I could come back to was how I looked, how it could look walking with her.

I was pretty comfortable with my look but next to her I would have gotten a little uncomfortable, I think ':/ she probably would have too is what I also thought.

Then my mind went to the more logical facts of the matter as my eyes followed her further and further away from me as she went on looking for whoever she was looking for [Of course me :) ] ..so as I reached for my phone to call her, to rid her of what seemed like a torturous search. Before I could call my phone rang.. it was her!

I watched her pick up the phone, and as I told her I could see her I get a tap on me and she says hi..

Thank God ..must have been what I said in my mind!

I confirmed it was her..the real her.

Thank God it wasn't her, it would have been weird walking with a girl that dresses up given how rugged I was, how rugged I imagined myself to be.

She was simply dressed but beautiful, even more beautiful than the really dressed up lady in black who I thought was her.

She was in a red cardigan and wore a really pretty smile.

We walked and walked as we spoke.

She was as amazing in person as she always was in our conversations.

It was awesome meeting her.

It was awesome meeting you :)

I can't help wonder how it will be meeting her.. I know she wrote it down..prophecy, but everyday I loose an ounce of belief that it'll ever happen [Happen how she put it down..if it'll be as intense, in a good way, like she said ..I'll have to keep on wondering Π':( ].

Maybe it already did, happen [Sometimes I think that my mind made her up.. ':?, :(, :'(, :''( ] hmm..

Is she real, of course she's real [Whether a creation of my mind, or another ..she was created so she is of course real]! What I mean is does she exist in the human form I was made to believe she does , hmn ':?

..for more about this mysteries, check out 'stories'. 

Now lOOk what you made me wRITE

I've already done this before,
Enough experience, don't need any more,
If ever you are to leave just tell it to my face,
I never want to plan for this, maybe I should? ..I dont want to fall on my lace!

Break my face, I would hate, but I'd rather that than my heart,
..so if you ever want to leave just tell it to my face, don't just run from our hut,
..mansion, tree house, whatever you call it, anything you want,

I will make it easier, not too uncomfortable, I won't gaze,
I will walk away, with the broken pieces of my heart, stay away from your place..
Not coz I will be over you but because I respect everyone, so sad that now you will be everyone :(

..so if you keep quiet, and tourture me I will assume you're seeking revenge,
Or you're sick, you're laying somewhere in bed,
And I don't know how not to be a good friend,
I will worry, tourture me, if that's what you wanted you have in the worst way been avenged.

..but don't worry, I won't fight back, I never do, that's just me,
Maybe sing Neyo & Rihana's 'hate that I love you', that's the worst I could do!?/;
Even if I didn't love.. off cause, how could that even be true?/;
..now I'm done, not with you, just doing the worst I could do.
..expressing myself.
Seems not yet "I miss you" 'babe'..
:"( end.

Added advantage, or just a pretend ice capped mountain?

Beauty is usually what attracts you to someone or something.. but everyone strives to look their best, so, you could fall for something else.. a mask, perhaps':( That is, what they present themselves as.

Like thieves pass themselves as trustworthy individuals and manage to get people to give them everything they want [steal from them':!] :(

So, beauty of course attracts but you have to be careful not to fall for just a mask. How would you not, you ask? Consistency, look inside the heart.. if the same beauty is from within then that's one test passed.

If it's only a mask then it should fall of at a point. You have to be careful though so you won't be entwined.. so you won't find out that it was just a mask when you have already given your whole heart, dived in too deep to swim back up.

So my theory is, beauty [external, the mask] should be just an added advantage. Atleast to me I try to make it be. It's not easy though..

I'm not however saying you can't trust someone whose beautiful, what I'm saying is you can't just trust someone, not just because they're beautiful. Yes, even when they are really beautiful [In this case both inside and, or out]. You have to let them earn your trust just like everyone else, find out if their beauty is from inside their heart.

If it is their heart that is beautiful then there is potential for an amazing thing. External beauty is a plus, It should always be just that, a plus and not anything more! ..otherwise you will be in real big trouble, when you have fallen in love with a mask, an image nothing like the object that was what you desired, the real person could be the actual opposite of what you may have required:"( 

Crush or Love?

If the first time you see her you want to be with her, you're so sure she’s the one, then she probably isn’t. I said probably so there’s still a percentage likelihood she might still be?!.

There's a relatively big difference between a crush and love, I thank God I didn’t have to learn that the hard way! A crush can lead to love, it’s not the other way round ..that’s just my opinion.

The two aren’t similar although sometimes we interchange them like they were. The first line of this page is my definition of what a crush is, and in comparison love is: if you still want to be with her, you still think she’s the one after you’ve gotten to know her.

I’m definitely not against crushes, I may be having a hard time convincing myself that though, as much as I’d like to believe it.. and to to get rid of my doubts I just have to compare the two':/

..no comparison, not at all!

Crushes can occur within the blink of an eye, and yeah, this might be termed as good in comparison to love, which is usually very complicated [too complicated, to even find a standard definition?/;:'"!], but all the same as first as they [the crushes] appear they disappear. Which to some is again an advantage, one night stands.. wake up, continue with life like nothing ever happened.

These immoral behaviors have contributed to the current messes we have in our societies..

So how can you protect yourself from the potential messes caused by crushes, how do you shield yourself from the crazy complications of love? Follow 'Crushes and, or Love' for more facts and personalized opinions on this topic.

Kogi

Today I met someone very important in my life, in my head it doesn't make sense how it wasn't a girl.. I haven't turned gay either, one of the few things I'm sure about, I believe I have already met her [my girl] but that's not the reason for leo's writing.

I met a great man leo ..he asked me personal questions and I am still comming to terms with why I answered him, in fact I answered him always giving more and for the first time my mind didn't even flinch to think I was giving him too much. I am not talking about God either.

I am talking about someone that I know nothing about but would love to have as a mentor. He didn't wait for me to start my blabbers, why I feel like he already knew me, maybe I have a slight idea but even that is just an assumption. This man didn't start the conversation with the normal small talk, rather he jumped straight to the deep end.. and I let him, same reason. Without knowing my name or me knowing his we journeyed through my life him asking questions and me answering with as much detail as I could, yes, I was conscious he was asking for too much but I still just as consciously answered the man.

Wrong guess again, I wasn't in a shrinks office.. I actually had to ask him that question just to make sure and I did, he hasn't studied any psychology [maybe he has done psychiatry.. I forgot to ask :( ] for a moment, honestly it's more of most of the time, I felt like I was in a shrinks office but the two secretaries seated not so far of and the fact that we were both standing reminded me that I couldn't have been.

I've always thought of a shrinks place as this office with a reception and a main office inside this beautiful door that leads to a living room like 'salle' only it's not a real one, only made to look like that to make you comfortable enough to let everything out to mom or grandma.. for some reason I have never considered a man a shrink, absurd, especially considering how much I campaign against stereotypes [story for another day..] and the fact that I myself have considered that job, still am [I will do psychology at one point in my life.. have been a student of it almost most of my life, taking almost everyone as a test subject.. let's not go there, atleast not right now.], if not by going to class I will study more books and papers on the subject.

Diagnosis: Hyperactive mind.
May use both the right & left side of the brain.
Prognosis: Genius if properly used, would self destruct if not well controlled. [Prognosis is this case is what I got from what he said]
Advice: Exercise regularly to divert energy from the brain, focus on one thing at a time.
Report after 3 months.
..was what he said to me, the conclusion of our talk, I feel like I should just admit it was a shrink session, you know 'substance over form' [accounting principal].

He had a basis for his diagnosis and it made almost perfect sense so I believed him, and keenly took his advice to the letter. Why I didn't write it down is because I was too attentive listening plus I knew this was one of those things you could never forget, I know I wouldn't.

I have to admit at one point as I answered his questions I figured he was analyzing me and at a point I felt like my description of me made me seem like the past time legends, geniuses who came up with the theories that today make up the foundations of science as we know it.. for an instance I wanted to change it, I thought he would think I was trying to make myself seem like them and because of how much I value originality I was tempted to.. but that was me, so I just described me, despite how much me in some perspective I seemed like, Leonardo and in others some of the other greats.

I always thought I was a scientists, everyone else, atleast those who knew me [my mom, friends, teachers.. I was always a sort of geek, some friends called me dexter! ..I loved math!"':;/?] saw that. Then all over sudden in high-school I get into arts: I start by writing, then learn guitar, then I'm singing, then I can draw.. and now I can't stop appreciating art, seing how beautiful everything is, now I am reading not just for knowledge but fiction too, to appreciate the beauty of the writers mind?/;:'"!

Apart from photography which I got to love from early in life, I had no relation or connection to the arts whatsoever, not until my second year of high-school.. not even music which everyone listened to, apart from this one song that spoke to me I only listened to music as a basis for discussion with the rest of my schoolmates which seemed to mainly revolve around this! ..wait, no, lets cancel the last line, or make it make more sense, be truer ':? I mainly listened to music whose lyrics I could listen to, that's why I loved rnb..

As we finished our conversation, as he gave me his opinion, he mentioned that I am probably one of the few people who use both sides of my brain, this took me back to this awesome book I once read called 'Drawing on the right side of the brain' [awesome book that I think you should read.. I need to have a personal copy of this!] ..he said I simply [maybe he didn't say simply, I am just trying to simplify it, maybe!] have a very active mind. 
He said I could do all I wanted to do, could be everything I was, but to succeed I had to focus, one day, not today or tomorrow, I will have achieved all.

I believed him. I believed and not just because everything he said I already knew, or because of the time he spent with me.. I believed him and trusted him almost like with my everything, regardless of the fact that I had just met him, LEO, I had not known even just his name!"':;/?

I still am not sure why but I really thank God for today, for that stranger that, when I think about it seems like future me, but so content, so like me, maybe only apart from how he looks, again maybe it's just the way I percieve myself, then again maybe he only looked different so I wouldn't be shocked out of myself.
Despite all the maybes, he definitely achieved his goal. He was, is, has become a turning point in my life.

Love and, or commitment.

...what's the longest you can stay with someone without getting bored, having enough of them, what's the longest you can live with them, be attached to them?

Any lasting relationship is so much more than just love, adoration, intrigue.. what will happen after you've already known them, when you know the source of their intrigue, when you know how they think! That's why I say relationships, lasting ones atleast, are made of much more than these things [..they're very important, help the sailing through: jokes, fun times, awesome moments it could get boring!? ..but how solid are they, without the storms, would you ever know?].

One of the more things I'm referring to is 'Commitment', like how you're committed to your job so you live with it dispite sometimes it being so bad, because of that contract, those terms, your need to pay your rent, maybe take your kids to school ..you live with it. That sort of defines commitment but maybe it lies more on obligation..

Commitment is when you decide to stick on a certain side not because you're obliged, you choose to do it for a deeper reason, what sometimes some of us call love, a sometimes unknown factor that keeps us by our friends side sometimes despite it being so tough, maybe unbearable for some ..when you make a choice that because of the awesome 'goods' [good times] you will stick around even for the bad, despite how sad. It is more than a contract, you are bond [or have bond yourself by your loyalty, because of respect, past experience, only positive things though #myoppinion.. never blackmail, or your dependence on them, how you can't do without them!] by how much you cherish them.. if it's a marriage never because of the certificate, or just the kids, because after all that can be canceled by divorce, you can always split the kids [heheh.. not funny! True though :'( ].

You stay committed because of how much you value them, what you had makes you hold on, because as long as it was real and it is still them then nothing has really changed but the worlds pushes and pulls which will always be there, may forever be there [sometimes sad] :'(.. so commitment makes you hold on like you don't care, because if you do, when you overcome the world you will make even better times together, better future memories. Commitment helps you hold on when the world has eclipsed your love, when it has made the jokes no longer seem funny [they just sound like annoying sarcasm :/ ] ..it helps you keep on fighting, helps you survive to better times. 

NB: Commitment is your choice, it should never be based on blackmail, or depend, on someone, the fact that you're too far in to swim back, that you're in the deep end. If you're to be committed, do it for the right reasons, for something or one you cherish.