Circles

If she's inside your box you should be aware she could as well leave, get out and into another one. You could lock her in of course, but I'd rather an empty one than a bugging noisy box whose content is so volatile I have no idea how the lead could contained it.

What am I suggesting you ask ':? Circles!!! They are round, have diameters and half that, radii!? Are you on Google +¿? I'm talking about such kinds of circles!

If your circle and her circle meet you end up in one circle, a circle for each but in this case common zones for both. The closer the circles the bigger the common zones, if they get close enough they could end up as one circle completely inside another, think of that zone!

If your friends are her friends, your places her places, if you like what she likes, you only seem doomed to be together more often than not.

Circles make the strongest structures too. Sometimes people make kids trying to achieve this.. If my kids are your kids, blablabla! Circular structures are so strong geometrically they rarely crumble inwards but by a force from within they destruct so easy.. translated this means you can't lock her in because as strong as you seem together, your strength only protects you from the outside. Think of a well ':/

So I'm not saying if you go to someone you like and build a circle around them you can live happily ever after, rather that if you find a partner who's circle can easily blend into your circle, who loves your circle.. you've hit the jackpot.

I'm saying choose that person you like whose in a circle around you, or bring the person you like into your circles. The later however, doesn't guarantee she will stay there unless she actually for real loves your circles.

The disclaimer here is people aren't bots, part of why they are special. Sometimes people radically change, so much that they change circles. It's not the normal but it does happen, the good thing is if your eyes are open you will see this coming.

Handful

..is what he said.
If they are not full then I'll have to think about things, I don't want to relieve,
I live in all times, if I'm not full time now I will live both now and then, in the past and future, I know me, believe.
So sometimes I juggle, so I don't mumble, about my hand full because I know and I'd rather that than a mind full of perspectives, possibilities.
..sometimes.

sEE

I'm not saying I'm God, I'm just asking can you really lie to God,
Can you lie to one who's omnipotent, one who sees all?
How then can you dare lie to me, when I've seen you do it, you smell of it, are coloured with it, your belongings are textured by it but I'm not saying you've done it based on only how you look, I saw you do it.
A hologram, maybe baybe but I saw..

noW

One day when you know all my stories..
Do you think I will be boring, should I start worrying':?

But that'd be lame, I'd mess the whole game ':!
Even if that would happen, and I'd turn boring ..that would be then.

Why waste now because of then, a future that is variable, one that's malleable.
Live to your fullest, love, laugh, jump, dance.. because you're able.

Enjoy life, love.. see the beauty of the earth.
Taste, breath, feel ..smell God's art.

Made of this.

Why am I sure I'm not just skipping from one impossibility to the next, to prove a point? Well, maybe I'm not..

Sure, but I am! ..it has been the one constant desire I've had since I was a child, and the one thing that I seem to be drifting further and further away from as I grow.

Of late I have however been fighting really hard for this seemingly impossible dream, that's why I'm questioning it. Am I just fighting to prove I'm not a fool, because Napoléon Bon aparté said that that's a word found only in their dictionaries.

Am I just running after the wind, what I know I can't catch? The girl I will never get to meet, is she my description of perfect.
I would have convinced myself of that if I hadn't met her, if I hadn't met my like I would have.

But I did meet that girl that wasn't even in my dreams, and I met her at the most unusual of places, in the most unusual of ways... the impossible did happen.

It was so seemingly impossible, what happened, it was easier convincing my mind it only happened in it, so it's true, pretty obvious really that every great achievement once seemed impossible.

Does it work for all? If i invent a time machine would it exists, would it still be impossible,  would it be an achievement.
That's how far away I've veered as I go further and further away from this mine desire.

They only discovered the great inventions by doing it, envisioning even the seemingly impossible at their time so I will have to keep on dreaming, to keep on being a sayer :( until I can build capacity to do. Every thing comes to being at its time, the wise King said.

Tommyhillfigure instead of Gucci jeans ':.

My mind is filled with the wrongest things..
I'm talking about tommyhillfugure instead of Gucci jeans?/;:'"!
Like I'm in law school but I'm more of an Einstein, geek!
..it could be that I'm just thinking about things too deep:/

Thinking about the future to far off,
But is that really wrong, what's wrong with having a thought?!
Making plans, taking turns, juggling everything round & round,
..put that way then it may not be so right, right?

If my brain is working full-time for my future then when am I gonna live today?
Thinking about my PhD when, I'm not even done with my degree,
Feel like I'm eroding too fast, I'm turning into debris..
I need to stop this, or sort it, arrange my thoughts before it gets too late, stop this debate..

Why am I thinking too much, why do I do this?
Because this is me, because that's how I do it!
..why am I talking to myself, why am I doing this?
Because I understand me, because this is how I sometimes do it..

I know.. you know :p

I know you're beautiful, every guy would gladly have you,
You left me lastfull, that's partly why I chose you,

I know they would fight for you,
Both princes and even princesses,
I know I'm lucky that you chose me,
But never remind me, remember that I too chose you.

I chose you from a crowd of many,
All fighting for you but you're not in plenty,
Some lost, others found ..I gained what was my most priced tresure,
You chose me, I am lucky, I thank God to have you, even if just to remember!

A song that could describe what I feel ':?

I'm looking for a song that could describe what I feel,
It's hard to even find words that could describe my ordeal,
Horror movies, ragging seas, crying babies,
Still can't find maybe a sound could describe better this scene,

Aaarg, ggggr, can't say bazinga of sounds kind of cool,
Dann, khh, they're still words on a paper maybe a color, blue!
..could describe better what I may be going through,
It's not funny, yet I'm laughing I should go back to my room

Boom! ..thank God its not all in my head,
How could just white on the floor cause all that tension,
Milk poured down be such a big deal,
It's real, it's real, I'm not going mad ..all this tension is real

I'd clearly finished this on the previous line,
Kpaw! ..a Chinese plate from my dad's hand, decides it's its time,
Coincidence, probably, or not, now what?
Melancholy is the reason why I took this pad, I was drowning in my thoughts,
Now what, now what?@#$%&*-+()

Not so forever.

Should I presume that you don't love me any more,
Maybe love is too strong, I mean you don't percieve me like you did?
It sounds rhetoric but I need an answer because in my mind there's a law,
You still are crowned queen, in my mind you still are the lady on the lead.

It's probably been months but to me we spoke yesterday,
The pain however feels longer than pain caused by just a day..
You've probably moved on, and me, I still relieve each day,
Each breath while with you because I don't know how to convince my mind you are gone, that it's been days, [weeks, months.. I still can't move on]

Well maybe you're not? I'm willing to live in this pain,
Because I can't dare imagine how much more it would be, forget about the gain,
..imagine being sure she's gone, forever,
Ooh, how I'd hate forever.. and I still have will to live :(!)

Why the heck did I say I'd love you forever, love is too strong :( I hate J'adore, now J'aime.

UPart

I love you, and you love me back, loved me back maybe, or am I that blonde I just assumed that FACT,
Your words if I assumed it's only that they came from your heart,
Like mine did, or from somewhere deep within your being..
Then why are we not happy together, or atleast still together,
What happenned to us, who changed the weather,
I know we hadn't said our vows yet but should it really affect us, I'm talking about the bad whether, whether it's dark or night, as long as we are together, forever..
When I'm down you pull me up, or support me be a lever, when you're down, I'll carry you, with my hands, on my back,
If we happen to be all down, we'll fight together, on the ground I will build a shelter,
for us, I can, we can never be defeated, not just because you bring me lack,
Because we were made like that, on our own we are strong, together united we're stronger.

Stonger than steel, stronger than the hippos skin which cannot be cut through even with the strongest steel

Happily [N]ever after?!

When I stop giving the story, It doesn't mean it's stopped existing, does it ':?
It's history ':? Try missing work for a day, tell me if everyone else will also be missing.
..inaction on your part doesn't stop the world from spinning, revolving round the solar system, the solar system from going round this galaxy, the milky way from going round.. the force of gravity still pulls as strong,
..so think about that as you enjoy that lunch, as you take those seeps of that sweet gravy away from work.

Happily ever after only exists because the story stops, but the story never stops,
again don't you read your history':?
Next time you decide to take a break go back in time, relieve the beauty,
Then you may waltz back, that's the only way you won't miss a thing, you have to be care full you don't get lost in time, best of luck.
There are happy moments and sad ones, if I stop at the sad will that be happily never after ':? I don't think so, unless I choose to make it so.
Now, I'm saying we can live happily ever after, being happy forever is a choice in your hands. We have contol of the most important influence on our future, THE POWER TO CHOOSE HOW TO REACT TO THE WORLDS PUSHES AND PULLS.

The choice we take will influence whether we'll live happily, never or ever after.

Test

"...you know your test, two words from the 1st and last page.. I discovered one for people. "

I was at a friends party Jana and as we left I saw the moon.. full and so beautiful.

So I share with this person next to me, "Check out the moon" I say, they look up and immediately after looked back at me wondering what they were meant to see. Then I get sad :( ..then I get close to my friend, the birthday girl and I get another view of it.

She's artistic, I just wanted to share with her its beauty.. she looked at it, looked back at me and [..in my heart I said damn] she went ahead to ask me what about it, I gave up and just said it's beautiful. And she said yeah.. I didn't expect it from her :(

..anyways, it was a long way home and I stared at it as long as I could, its beauty pulling me, gluing me to it:[] through the tall trees and the leaves [even more beautiful].

And when I got home I got out and stared at it some more, would have slept out if I could have ..the full moon was beautiful, it's hard to understand how some people couldn't notice.

People are different.

Through my lens ..the way i see ^_^

If only you could see the way I do, see what I see.. see through my lenses. Beautiful things, figures, people.. no, maybe it's better you don't. I feel just as intensely, pain, sorrow and not just mine but from everyone around me.. could you really take that.

Being entwined in a rage that is not yours, feeling the hate that you have successfully trained yourself never to have.. but feeling it non the less, radiating from that sad soul seated to the now sad soul that is you.

I guess I am only alive because I can take out as much as I net in, but it's not easy.. it has never been easy. Writing what they call beautiful poetry, playing the guitar, talking continuously with so much depth may seem like a talent.. a gift from God but only God knows how so many times I have wished not to have this gift, because as precious as it is so is it as heavy.

If not for Him.. so I thank Him everyday, for His presence in every way. When He sends a random guy from the streets who saves me, when He uses a friend to wake me [from deadly sleep], when He uses family to physically and emotionally shelter me, when He sends His Angeles and when He's just Him. I thank Him..

It depends on what you see ':¶

You know those instance where someone else has already seen the end but even if they were your close and trusted friend you won't stop just because of what they see. And it's not because you don't believe them, or what they're saying is not the most believable, or so obvious if you were them you would say the same!

Those instances where you, who is normally a very rational being know you're being irrational but still choose to take that risk, because among many other things you want to experience it [Or atleast that's how it seems!].

Where even if you don't believe, you still won't give in to the pressure to leave your radical choice... in many cases however, you believe, or atleast want to believe it will be different.

When you sacrifice all you have... you could loose it all in a blink. If however you don't you may make the biggest gain everyone could have never imagined.

It's a stupid move that makes absolutely no sense... bluffing with no ace up your sleeve, but if you pull it of you walk away with everything on the table.

The risk is unquantifiable, it's more of an uncertainty to everyone else but you can see the shine... the only reason you are all in regardless of who wins, because no one else can see the real price.

While they see the sun with all it's potential energy, you can see more than that... many stars, many galaxies, what seems like an entire universe only wrapped in what everyone else sees as garbage ':| What you see is not only energy, power, uncontained, undefined but you see beauty too, you see the night sky... now you must understand how easy it is to bet my sun and moon, now you know if I had the milky way I would bet it too. 

That is how you win regardless of how the game ends. Because even if someone else takes the price [you can offer to be their slave to tend to it, to amaze in its beauty everyday, every second of your slave days! But you probably don't have to...], they will leave your universe well wrapped as rubbish, to be collected by the servants. You only need to befriend them, or offer to clean up to save yourself from looking through the the bin.

If this is not your case then it will be a stupid bluff, a risk not worth taking ...my disclaimer opinion. Please take this warning and save yourself from loosing all your material wealth, in a poker game!

How much?

I can count the number if times I have given up on someone, I mean for me they're so few.. I actually can hardly recall any! So far only this one girl but I didn't really give up on her, I just couldn't keep up. She was too fast, atleast for me at that time.

That's one of the tricky parts of relationships.. you meet someone, you like them, sometimes they like you back. Now that they like you back, because you like them as much what will you do to that.

You probably want to know them more.. so hang out with them more, talk to them more':/ we however have to remember that life existed before they met you, you existed before you met them after all [..right ':?]? So how do you do this, where will they get the extra hours to be with you?

A day has only 24hours, even if you had the cash and could afford to buy extra time there's no market for that yet maybe in time. But even if you could are you worth the time, are they willing to give you that time?

It's all about interests. How interesting you are to them, how interesting they are to you. All this among many other factors like your spare capacity will influence their ranking and maybe position in your life.

I remember this amazing girl I met in a mat, for instance.

I have this habit of having a book with me whenever I'm carrying a bag, and another habit of almost always always carrying a bag [you can see where this is headed, of course:!] ..I had a bag and books.

I had decided to Polish up on my French so every morning in the ma3 I would have my book out of the bag and go through an average of around five pages.. I was really getting good too. It's one of the major advantages of not driving

[Unless you have audio knowledge.. or an Audi, I think it would be pretty had to leave an Audi parked even for knowledge, ok, maybe for knowledge. After which you would drive it through the streets of Paris ..you can speak French now. It of course has GPS navigation so you don't need to the French to ask for direction but you can still speak it :p Ooh, and it's convertible.. it has to be so that you can see the stars and moon as you drive through the night ':|]

As I read my book, more like study this girl boards the mat and sits right next to me. She's on her phone and smiling alot, she's texting someone.. I was seriously studying my French book, for real [I was ':?!] I was.. it's just that my brain can hardly let anything get by me, that's why I probably need a controlled environment [seclusion to maximize on study!] ..I really need this especially right now, that's a story for another day though ':!

Then I see a cell phone right infront of me and now I'm officially distracted. Translate please must have been what she must have said to me.. thank God I knew that translation otherwise, uhm.. so I translated the text and that's how the conversation started.

She was an awesome girl, brilliant, very intellectual, confident, a little uhm, and really pretty too ..a girl like the ones I usually fall for, yes I do ':!

I have to admit I loved how she did it, how she hit through her shy self and said hi to me. When I think about it and now when I look back she's so much like me [omg, there are so many people like me.. and how I pride myself in being different, maybe I should stop ':?] ..how she cleaverly used the truth to start a conversation just like I believe I would to talk to someone who seems interesting. It's one of the hardest things to do for 'people like us' but risks are everywhere so if the reward seems worth why not.

One of her friends who was learning French was really exited about it so he sent her a minimum of one word everyday, and she sent back a word of Spanish [Please note I said MINIMUM, his sentences were full of French phrases while hers were just as Spanish!].. a really interesting way of learning, I think I should consider [Ooh, the words sent are never translated.. you have to search for the meaning yourself!].

Why I brought this up is because, it's one relationship that disappeared just because, uhm ..the right factors as per this piece were not in place, like no investment of time mainly.

We met again randomly somewhere on the streets but you can never really speak on the streets, except from greetings and maybe some small talk ':/ ..so whem I saw her again some weeks back after a really long time [probably a year ':! ] I felt really sad! She said hi from a distance and, it took me a while to load her but when I did I really felt bad :/

She made her move and I really liked her, but because of my then position I didn't reciprocate. I lost a potentially great friend.. I really searched hard for her contacts that day [sort of rampaging through my Google contacts without even a name, I shot words that may relate to what I knew of her hoping I had described her in the contact notes ..and the search would find her but to no avail :( ], even I thought that was too desperate [..lame, yes, I don't understand why I so openly admit I did ..she was worth it ':?]

..I hope fate bring us another chance but in this case there's not much I can do but wait.

Life, Destiny, God

She must be a prophet, a pretty good one at that! Or else how would she predict her future so well, tell it yesterday in her story ..unless she controls it ':! Yeah, that makes more sense, it's more believable! She writes her story and lives it like she's written it.

Sometimes I wish I could do that. But there's not much I can control.. I can write a good story, in fact, I have the whole story. A very beautiful story at that! Living it is the bit I don't have too much control of. I can only try my best to live my great story, exactly how I've written it, that is.

I also realized I'm not the only writer of this story. God already wrote it, even before I was conceived a story of my life was written. The world too has claims to this story of my life; through my family [dad wants something of me, mom too, & my brothers, & sister], friends [several girls want me as their boyfriend, the one I want isn't even among them ':!]

..I should then understand, after all I have my claim on someone else's story, this girl who seems in full control of her story. This literally means if she doesn't put me in character, if my character in her story doesn't fit my character in my story I'm out of character :'(

So what am I saying? ...there are so many pushes and pulls in this world. For you there's; what you want, what everyone else wants, what even you haven't realized you want yet, what destiny wants [let's assume this is the God variable.. what God wants for you.]

Talking about destiny, given He's God then maybe it's a constant ':! ..wait, thank God for free will ..it's a variable [..is what I strongly believe!]! How He still is God is because He can see all the possible variables, where every alternative will land you [Our choices influence our destinies, we're not doomed to one fate.. it's all variable, we write our own fate]!

It really amazes me what type of being He is, that with all His power He still gives us choice. Human beings usually give choices and options only [ok, let's be more generous and say mostly] because they know they have no choice [but to give them, because if they don't the choice may be taken anyway.. and they would loose any perceived power they may have had, any leverage ':!?].

Let's work with those four variables for now, but just to show that there are many more I will mention some more: I could break down what everyone wants by defining what everyone means; friends and enemies, we could also break this down further to what friends may include; family, close friends, friendly colleagues.. well, this may never end. Let's push it still, just a little bit more: what I want may be; a battle between the left and right spheres of the brain; a battle of the soul between my heart and my mind, a battle of my conscious and my ego ..I have to end this, this battle in me to continue or end this ':|

What I'm saying is we don't have much control over how our life transpires. I however insist we should still make plans, otherwise we should be content with anything.. we should still hope for the best, we should still expect. Only, with knowledge of how the world is we should be conscious that it's not guaranteed, that there's a possibility our expectations may never be met. Nevertheless let's still believe in our plans and work towards them.. The fact that we could fail should not be reason not to try, after all risks are everywhere!? ..the fact that you may not receive is not reason enough not to expect! [Is it ':? ..it shouldn't be is what I strongly believe!]

..maybe we could involve God in them [Pray, perhaps ':? ]? He is supreme after all, He can make anything, can fix everything, He is the only one tho has the power to change everything, in singleness, simultaneity, all possibilities at the same time ..to work for our good! He can merge my goals to her goals, can make her story merge onto my story.. He's the only one who could do that.

All I could do if I was to dare try is to make choices so that I could fit in her story, whatever role I'm given as per her script [who wants that, to take anything that comes ':/ ..do you really want to fit into destinies plans, have absolutely no choice, be bound to take whatever you're given?]

I know I have my free will, but I have to remember I only have mine. I have absolutely no power over anyone else, I could influence those who I command respect from.. but that's as much as I could do, well of course I could manipulate, blackmail e.t.c ..to get what I want from whomever but it wouldn't really be worth, plus it's not me':! I couldn't do that mainly because He gave us free will, and I trust Him, I trust his reasons [..so for the same reasons; I could only be bound to Him, I could only give into His will ..You could have me in chains, entangled, cut of my veins.. but you may never have me, unless I choose to let you have me.. Again this is the greatest gift we were ever given!]. Ever heard this "Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery; None but ourselves can free our minds."

In conclusion.. God is simply my best bet, that's what I believe.. what I choose to believe, that He is real. That through Him I can be all I want to be, through Him, YOU can be all you want to be [Psalms37:4]. It is Him that after all put those desires on you.

Talk to Him [It's not that hard to pray.. just talk like you would talk to your best friend, the one you confide in, your dog, or Teddy bear, maybe yourself, or your music, your computer, your books.. you know who or what you talk to, talk to him like that.]!

Meet

...So I get this call from an unknown number as I'm reading this book waiting for this guy to finally keep his word, even if only once.

I know it seems like I'm trying too hard but this guy seems...ok, I know also that human beings are bound to disappoint but what about faith?

Anyways that's not why I came here in the first place. I had already given up on him, was here only to let the dogs out on him [How humanly loving of me.. I was, for real, you believe me..don't you?

Please say yes, if I'm not human who am I? Well, I know I feel alien most times but it's them not me, right ':? Wait..don't tell me, I'd rather just live with my thoughts..]

So, as I was saying, I pick up the call and.. it's not who I thought it was. It's not the potential guitar student I had been told about.

She's in town, one of my very close friends is in town..

My mind all of a sudden developed some crazy conscious. I now remembered how rugged I was.. how I just jumped out of the house attired in the closest thing I could find, how crised my white tshirt was ..it didn't meet the iron box that lay so conveniently next to my bed.

I am always conscious, but today I was just going to finish some dirty job. I wasn't planning to stay longer than an hour.. atleast that's what I thought, I planed ':! Because of that I even had another date in an hour back home.

"That's great.." is what I must have said to that babe when she told me she would be here in an hour or an hour and a half.
{Fast foward ..coz I'm too lazy to write any more, especially coz I'm using my phone..}

We finally met.

My eyes walked around alot as I waited for her. Sometimes I looked at my phone other times I thought about removing that book..it would help her spot me [I for a second thought..], but I knew I couldn't read a thing so I left her, Elizabeth Gilbert, that is, the author of the book I was reading.

I finally spotted someone who almost looked like her, well, apart from the way she was clad. She was a little extreme, with a dark, tight, 'hugging' short dress, and sunglasses.. she seemed to have alot of make up too.

Now all I could come back to was how I looked, how it could look walking with her.

I was pretty comfortable with my look but next to her I would have gotten a little uncomfortable, I think ':/ she probably would have too is what I also thought.

Then my mind went to the more logical facts of the matter as my eyes followed her further and further away from me as she went on looking for whoever she was looking for [Of course me :) ] ..so as I reached for my phone to call her, to rid her of what seemed like a torturous search. Before I could call my phone rang.. it was her!

I watched her pick up the phone, and as I told her I could see her I get a tap on me and she says hi..

Thank God ..must have been what I said in my mind!

I confirmed it was her..the real her.

Thank God it wasn't her, it would have been weird walking with a girl that dresses up given how rugged I was, how rugged I imagined myself to be.

She was simply dressed but beautiful, even more beautiful than the really dressed up lady in black who I thought was her.

She was in a red cardigan and wore a really pretty smile.

We walked and walked as we spoke.

She was as amazing in person as she always was in our conversations.

It was awesome meeting her.

It was awesome meeting you :)

I can't help wonder how it will be meeting her.. I know she wrote it down..prophecy, but everyday I loose an ounce of belief that it'll ever happen [Happen how she put it down..if it'll be as intense, in a good way, like she said ..I'll have to keep on wondering Π':( ].

Maybe it already did, happen [Sometimes I think that my mind made her up.. ':?, :(, :'(, :''( ] hmm..

Is she real, of course she's real [Whether a creation of my mind, or another ..she was created so she is of course real]! What I mean is does she exist in the human form I was made to believe she does , hmn ':?

..for more about this mysteries, check out 'stories'. 

Now lOOk what you made me wRITE

I've already done this before,
Enough experience, don't need any more,
If ever you are to leave just tell it to my face,
I never want to plan for this, maybe I should? ..I dont want to fall on my lace!

Break my face, I would hate, but I'd rather that than my heart,
..so if you ever want to leave just tell it to my face, don't just run from our hut,
..mansion, tree house, whatever you call it, anything you want,

I will make it easier, not too uncomfortable, I won't gaze,
I will walk away, with the broken pieces of my heart, stay away from your place..
Not coz I will be over you but because I respect everyone, so sad that now you will be everyone :(

..so if you keep quiet, and tourture me I will assume you're seeking revenge,
Or you're sick, you're laying somewhere in bed,
And I don't know how not to be a good friend,
I will worry, tourture me, if that's what you wanted you have in the worst way been avenged.

..but don't worry, I won't fight back, I never do, that's just me,
Maybe sing Neyo & Rihana's 'hate that I love you', that's the worst I could do!?/;
Even if I didn't love.. off cause, how could that even be true?/;
..now I'm done, not with you, just doing the worst I could do.
..expressing myself.
Seems not yet "I miss you" 'babe'..
:"( end.

Added advantage, or just a pretend ice capped mountain?

Beauty is usually what attracts you to someone or something.. but everyone strives to look their best, so, you could fall for something else.. a mask, perhaps':( That is, what they present themselves as.

Like thieves pass themselves as trustworthy individuals and manage to get people to give them everything they want [steal from them':!] :(

So, beauty of course attracts but you have to be careful not to fall for just a mask. How would you not, you ask? Consistency, look inside the heart.. if the same beauty is from within then that's one test passed.

If it's only a mask then it should fall of at a point. You have to be careful though so you won't be entwined.. so you won't find out that it was just a mask when you have already given your whole heart, dived in too deep to swim back up.

So my theory is, beauty [external, the mask] should be just an added advantage. Atleast to me I try to make it be. It's not easy though..

I'm not however saying you can't trust someone whose beautiful, what I'm saying is you can't just trust someone, not just because they're beautiful. Yes, even when they are really beautiful [In this case both inside and, or out]. You have to let them earn your trust just like everyone else, find out if their beauty is from inside their heart.

If it is their heart that is beautiful then there is potential for an amazing thing. External beauty is a plus, It should always be just that, a plus and not anything more! ..otherwise you will be in real big trouble, when you have fallen in love with a mask, an image nothing like the object that was what you desired, the real person could be the actual opposite of what you may have required:"( 

Crush or Love?

If the first time you see her you want to be with her, you're so sure she’s the one, then she probably isn’t. I said probably so there’s still a percentage likelihood she might still be?!.

There's a relatively big difference between a crush and love, I thank God I didn’t have to learn that the hard way! A crush can lead to love, it’s not the other way round ..that’s just my opinion.

The two aren’t similar although sometimes we interchange them like they were. The first line of this page is my definition of what a crush is, and in comparison love is: if you still want to be with her, you still think she’s the one after you’ve gotten to know her.

I’m definitely not against crushes, I may be having a hard time convincing myself that though, as much as I’d like to believe it.. and to to get rid of my doubts I just have to compare the two':/

..no comparison, not at all!

Crushes can occur within the blink of an eye, and yeah, this might be termed as good in comparison to love, which is usually very complicated [too complicated, to even find a standard definition?/;:'"!], but all the same as first as they [the crushes] appear they disappear. Which to some is again an advantage, one night stands.. wake up, continue with life like nothing ever happened.

These immoral behaviors have contributed to the current messes we have in our societies..

So how can you protect yourself from the potential messes caused by crushes, how do you shield yourself from the crazy complications of love? Follow 'Crushes and, or Love' for more facts and personalized opinions on this topic.

Kogi

Today I met someone very important in my life, in my head it doesn't make sense how it wasn't a girl.. I haven't turned gay either, one of the few things I'm sure about, I believe I have already met her [my girl] but that's not the reason for leo's writing.

I met a great man leo ..he asked me personal questions and I am still comming to terms with why I answered him, in fact I answered him always giving more and for the first time my mind didn't even flinch to think I was giving him too much. I am not talking about God either.

I am talking about someone that I know nothing about but would love to have as a mentor. He didn't wait for me to start my blabbers, why I feel like he already knew me, maybe I have a slight idea but even that is just an assumption. This man didn't start the conversation with the normal small talk, rather he jumped straight to the deep end.. and I let him, same reason. Without knowing my name or me knowing his we journeyed through my life him asking questions and me answering with as much detail as I could, yes, I was conscious he was asking for too much but I still just as consciously answered the man.

Wrong guess again, I wasn't in a shrinks office.. I actually had to ask him that question just to make sure and I did, he hasn't studied any psychology [maybe he has done psychiatry.. I forgot to ask :( ] for a moment, honestly it's more of most of the time, I felt like I was in a shrinks office but the two secretaries seated not so far of and the fact that we were both standing reminded me that I couldn't have been.

I've always thought of a shrinks place as this office with a reception and a main office inside this beautiful door that leads to a living room like 'salle' only it's not a real one, only made to look like that to make you comfortable enough to let everything out to mom or grandma.. for some reason I have never considered a man a shrink, absurd, especially considering how much I campaign against stereotypes [story for another day..] and the fact that I myself have considered that job, still am [I will do psychology at one point in my life.. have been a student of it almost most of my life, taking almost everyone as a test subject.. let's not go there, atleast not right now.], if not by going to class I will study more books and papers on the subject.

Diagnosis: Hyperactive mind.
May use both the right & left side of the brain.
Prognosis: Genius if properly used, would self destruct if not well controlled. [Prognosis is this case is what I got from what he said]
Advice: Exercise regularly to divert energy from the brain, focus on one thing at a time.
Report after 3 months.
..was what he said to me, the conclusion of our talk, I feel like I should just admit it was a shrink session, you know 'substance over form' [accounting principal].

He had a basis for his diagnosis and it made almost perfect sense so I believed him, and keenly took his advice to the letter. Why I didn't write it down is because I was too attentive listening plus I knew this was one of those things you could never forget, I know I wouldn't.

I have to admit at one point as I answered his questions I figured he was analyzing me and at a point I felt like my description of me made me seem like the past time legends, geniuses who came up with the theories that today make up the foundations of science as we know it.. for an instance I wanted to change it, I thought he would think I was trying to make myself seem like them and because of how much I value originality I was tempted to.. but that was me, so I just described me, despite how much me in some perspective I seemed like, Leonardo and in others some of the other greats.

I always thought I was a scientists, everyone else, atleast those who knew me [my mom, friends, teachers.. I was always a sort of geek, some friends called me dexter! ..I loved math!"':;/?] saw that. Then all over sudden in high-school I get into arts: I start by writing, then learn guitar, then I'm singing, then I can draw.. and now I can't stop appreciating art, seing how beautiful everything is, now I am reading not just for knowledge but fiction too, to appreciate the beauty of the writers mind?/;:'"!

Apart from photography which I got to love from early in life, I had no relation or connection to the arts whatsoever, not until my second year of high-school.. not even music which everyone listened to, apart from this one song that spoke to me I only listened to music as a basis for discussion with the rest of my schoolmates which seemed to mainly revolve around this! ..wait, no, lets cancel the last line, or make it make more sense, be truer ':? I mainly listened to music whose lyrics I could listen to, that's why I loved rnb..

As we finished our conversation, as he gave me his opinion, he mentioned that I am probably one of the few people who use both sides of my brain, this took me back to this awesome book I once read called 'Drawing on the right side of the brain' [awesome book that I think you should read.. I need to have a personal copy of this!] ..he said I simply [maybe he didn't say simply, I am just trying to simplify it, maybe!] have a very active mind. 
He said I could do all I wanted to do, could be everything I was, but to succeed I had to focus, one day, not today or tomorrow, I will have achieved all.

I believed him. I believed and not just because everything he said I already knew, or because of the time he spent with me.. I believed him and trusted him almost like with my everything, regardless of the fact that I had just met him, LEO, I had not known even just his name!"':;/?

I still am not sure why but I really thank God for today, for that stranger that, when I think about it seems like future me, but so content, so like me, maybe only apart from how he looks, again maybe it's just the way I percieve myself, then again maybe he only looked different so I wouldn't be shocked out of myself.
Despite all the maybes, he definitely achieved his goal. He was, is, has become a turning point in my life.

Love and, or commitment.

...what's the longest you can stay with someone without getting bored, having enough of them, what's the longest you can live with them, be attached to them?

Any lasting relationship is so much more than just love, adoration, intrigue.. what will happen after you've already known them, when you know the source of their intrigue, when you know how they think! That's why I say relationships, lasting ones atleast, are made of much more than these things [..they're very important, help the sailing through: jokes, fun times, awesome moments it could get boring!? ..but how solid are they, without the storms, would you ever know?].

One of the more things I'm referring to is 'Commitment', like how you're committed to your job so you live with it dispite sometimes it being so bad, because of that contract, those terms, your need to pay your rent, maybe take your kids to school ..you live with it. That sort of defines commitment but maybe it lies more on obligation..

Commitment is when you decide to stick on a certain side not because you're obliged, you choose to do it for a deeper reason, what sometimes some of us call love, a sometimes unknown factor that keeps us by our friends side sometimes despite it being so tough, maybe unbearable for some ..when you make a choice that because of the awesome 'goods' [good times] you will stick around even for the bad, despite how sad. It is more than a contract, you are bond [or have bond yourself by your loyalty, because of respect, past experience, only positive things though #myoppinion.. never blackmail, or your dependence on them, how you can't do without them!] by how much you cherish them.. if it's a marriage never because of the certificate, or just the kids, because after all that can be canceled by divorce, you can always split the kids [heheh.. not funny! True though :'( ].

You stay committed because of how much you value them, what you had makes you hold on, because as long as it was real and it is still them then nothing has really changed but the worlds pushes and pulls which will always be there, may forever be there [sometimes sad] :'(.. so commitment makes you hold on like you don't care, because if you do, when you overcome the world you will make even better times together, better future memories. Commitment helps you hold on when the world has eclipsed your love, when it has made the jokes no longer seem funny [they just sound like annoying sarcasm :/ ] ..it helps you keep on fighting, helps you survive to better times. 

NB: Commitment is your choice, it should never be based on blackmail, or depend, on someone, the fact that you're too far in to swim back, that you're in the deep end. If you're to be committed, do it for the right reasons, for something or one you cherish.  

Call button

So I press the call button.. my heart could be in rubles,
It is beating t t, t t, t..
It is beating t t, t t, t..

All of this coz of this chick,
All this said with the highest regards,
I fallen deeply in love,
(I feel like) With (this chick) her I can walk in rags..

Although I wouldn't dare coz I wanna give her only the best,
She's so awesome I couldn't give her anything less,
I always try to give the best to all, but she's special so I'll give her better than the rest..
 
To get her I really have to stretch,
Out of my zone, I have to really go out,
This time round my charm is not enough,
I'm dealing with a girl I have to assume can read through my laugh.. 

Texts & calls, conversations on the go,
From class to the bus, where I'm in luck I get a chance,
All I want is a dance with her, to get to know her even just a glance,

I just want to know her, but its going too slow,
So I'm scared someone might snatch her away,
This awesome girl potential mother of our child 
So I'll pray, God will definitely help me calm my mind:)

nOtE VaLs

It doesn't have to be valentines for me to get you a rose, does it? It doesn't..
Or wild lillies, green, like I believe you'd like them to be..
but let's just talk about the rose, that's how you seem to me..
Beautiful dark red, so much mystery in them.. don't even want to get started on it,
coz I may never get finished but I don't want to get stuck on reds mystery when I have you with me!"':;/?

Rouge ..like your pretty lips.
Très belle, almost like you,
You said you don't like its scent, then maybe it should aspire to have yours ':!
..its green leaves blend with its petals to give beauty so natural, Just like every part of you, giving the perfect beautiful you..
My mom once told me when left overnight in a vase with water & sugar it blossoms.. That must be why you're so sweet :!
..people say nothing's perfect, if true then the only imperfections in you are the thorns of the rose which as painful as they may prick, I'd persevere the pain just to get to have the beautiful rose..
J'aime.. j'adore vous toujour!

NightMArE

Please tell me this isn't real,
Please wake me up & tell me this isn't real,
Please wake me up babe, next to you where are the kids,
Please wake me up so I can tell you about this dream..

No, this nightmare I was in, thank God you were not there,
I love you, would love to have you everywhere with me but that, babe, you could not have bared,
I know you're tough, maybe you could but I wouldn't let you even see where I were,
I'm telling you this only coz we promised to share all that we have

It was queer & dark, like a hollow that lacks..
An end worse than the graves, it was the worst, like drenchfull thirst,
Imagine the Kalahari, the scorching sun so hot it's like you're in a pan
..without the beautiful desert features to observe, to admire, not even mirages just fire..

Thank God you woke me when you did, because with such intensity I would have died from within,
I love you boo, I only kept fighting coz I know you love me too,
Thank you for waking me up again, for being by my side,
For being in my heart, never to part ..again, I love you, I'm so thankful to God I have you.  

Job or Jonah

So am I Job or Jonah..

So righteous God's bragging with me,
hence all this attacks biting on me,
Should I give up or should I keep fighting,
Should I not tell them that I'm the cause of all this,
Should I not tell them if they throw me the ship will stop sinking,
But I'd be lying, I'd be killing me, if I wasn't him?/;:'"!

Am I still in the boat or am I already in the whales throat,
Should I stop fighting will it throw me of its sprout or would I be giving up to the devils will,
giving up heavens deal
Talk to me Lord, tell me where's my Nineveh,

If giving up is not giving into his will then I want to, to give into your will
..but I need to know who I am so that if I'm Job I will keep holding on, where am I to go, if I'm doing it all wrong,

They sometimes call me Holly Joe & I'm not saying I'm not but you know me Lord, again I need to know?/;:'"!
Is it the devil attacking me or is it you taking me back to your will, please tell me Lord because you know how tough I can fight believing I'm using your might,
I know it's sometimes stupid but you know me, how when I'm fighting with you I just never give up, how I got your back

Am I fighting you Lord, is it the reason why I'm loosing, or am I just a Job you have just allowed the devil to abuse me..
Am I Jonah Lord, please tell me & where on earth is Nineveh,
Because I would crawl there.. you know I need to go to heaven?/;

Please talk to me Lord..

Sad

I want to be alone in my place..
Alone don't even want to **e **r *a*e:/
..well, I would love to see it :?
But she'll make me smile, she has that effect on it

..I don't want to smile, I want to hide.
Be alone, talk to myself maybe.. just think,
I can't believe I'm saying this..
I want to be sad :?

It doesn't make sense, I know:/
But I want to feel this, to feel what is real,
& this is real, with all this domineering..
I can only be really happy when I deal with it.

!"':;/?

Tick rock, tick rock, that's the clock.. but today 7:30 seemed like 6:30, the sun was still out plus there was no break & the wall clock, you'll have to see that wall clock to know what I'm talking about.

The longest class ever, how I still remained attentive through it I have no idea.
Finally its over.. wait, it's now just began, the pounding of my heart in heavy thuds, so heavy my ears can hear them regardless of how far they are from it. If only I could I would go back to that never ending class & keep on learning, maybe come out with my PhD.
But I would miss her & all she has to say, I would miss her so much [even my passion for finance wouldn't keep me distracted for that long!] .. maybe I don't want to hear it. She loves me.. she loves me ___
Lord, help me.. :°|

Walk through the streets..

Thinking about you as I walk through the streets of Nairobi,
I'm smiling even more than when I'm enjoying my favorite hobby,
Singing love songs in my head ..I can't wait to go to bed & dream of you,

I have to stop this [don't really want to..],
I look like I'm mad.. talking to myself!
I'm actually talking to you but the conversation is in my head,

I'm telling you everything ..if you're reading this you may feel kind of sad for me,
Coz I'm talking to a girl in my head ..don't be coz she's real,
..is she, how can I doubt myself!"':;/?

..she is, I may have a brilliant mind but I'm not from "a brilliant mind"!
..these are brilliant lines, right?/;:'"!,

..so if your feeling sad feel sad for yourself, coz your not experiencing this,
This madness that feels so so sweet.. Love? Not lust! alot of adoration,
The simplest way to describe it is awesome ..& finally I get to experience it :&)

..that's why I don't care how I look walking down the streets with a smirk like this,
I'm happy with my smirk so just let me be :+)

NB: smirk in this case means, crazily weird smile caused by me being really happy, nothing close to this.. :)